UC-NRLF 


•w  jr       f  w^       ^I^T^^I 

Ye  lowne 
Go  s  sit) 


i  Series)  Jr 


(Third  Series) 


K.C.  B. 

t('  •'•• 

(Kenneth  C  Beaton) 


YE  TOWNE  GOSSIP 


YE  TOWNE 
GOSSIP 


[Third  Series] 


BY 


K.  C.  B. 

(KENNETH  CARROL   BEATON) 


NEW   YORK 

DUFFIELD   AND    COMPANY 
1916 


Copyright,  1916,  by 
Kenneth   C.  Beaton 


YE  TOWNE  GOSSIP 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


MR.  L.  F.  Vosburgh. 

GENERAL   PASSENGER  agent. 

NEW  YORK  ^Central. 

MY  DEAR  Vos. 

SOMEWHERE. 

ON  THE  New  York  Central. 

BETWEEN  NEW  York  and  Buf- 


ABOUT^  2  o'clock. 

IN  THE  morning. 

THE  TRAIN  ^stopped. 

AND  BEING^  curious. 

I  AWOKE.    ^ 

AND  LOOKED  out. 

ON  THE  station  platform. 

OF  A  large  city. 

AND  TURNED  over  again. 

AND  CLOSED  my  eyes. 

AND  WASJust  about. 

TO  GO  back  to  sleep. 

WHEN  SOMEBODY. 

*  *    * 

WITH  A  large  voice. 

*  *     * 

THAT  HAD  been  filed. 

BUT  NOT  sandpapered. 

*  *    * 

SAID.    ,    .    . 
RIGHT  JN  my  ear. 

"IT  LOOKS  like  the  Dodgers. 

*  *    * 

"WILL  ^WIN^  the  pennant." 

AND  IT  startled  me. 
AND  I  turned^over. 

WITH  MY  face  in  the  window. 

*  *    * 

WHICH  WAS  open. 

*  *    * 

AND  THERE  was  a  tall  man. 

*  ,«   '  » 

WITH  BLUE  clothes. 
AND  BRASS^buttons. 
AND  A  railroad  hat. 

AND  HE  was  leaning. 

*  *    * 

AGAINST  THE  car. 

*  *    # 

AND  HIS  face. 
WASN'T  SIX  inches. 


AWAY  /ROM  mine* 
AND  HE  kept  talking. 
TO  A  little  man. 
WITH  A  soprano  voice. 
WHO  SAID% 
EVERY  LITTLE  while. 
"YES,  IT  looks  like  it." 

AND  I  turned  over. 

*    *    * 

AND  TRIED^my  best. 

TO  LEAVE  them. 

AND  GO  to  sleep. 

BUT  I  cpuldrft. 

AND  I  got  mad. 

AND  PUT  my  face  in  the  window. 

AND  SAID.  ^ 

"IF  YOU'LL  hold  the  little  man  up. 

"I'LL  KISS  him  good  night. 

"IF  YOU'LL  go." 

AND  MR.  Vosburgh. 

*  *     * 

IF  YOU'LL  believe  me. 
THEY  pIDNJT  go  then. 

AND  I'M  writing  you. 

*  *    * 

TO  ASK  ypuv 

IF  YOU  can't^  fix  it. 

SO  AS  to  get  ^vaudeville  artists. 

INSTEAD  OF  trainmen. 

*  *    * 

TO  TALK  outside  the  windows. 

*  #     * 

OF  THE  sleepers. 

IN  THE  early  mornings. 

AND  I  want  you  to  tell. 

»    *    * 

THE  TALL  trainman. 

THAT  IT  was  I. 

*  *     * 

WHO  REACHED  from  the  win- 
dow. 

»    *    • 

AND  SLAPPED  him. 

*  *     * 

WHEN  THE  train  started. 

*  *     * 

I  COULDN'T  reach  down. 

*  *    * 

TO  THE  little  man. 

*  »    * 

AND  I  missed  him. 

I  THANK  you. 


z\  rs 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


WEDNESDAY. 
AT  THE  ball^game. 

I  SAT  in  front. 

*  *    * 

OF  A  young  jnan. 
WHO  WAS  explaining. 
TO  A  young  lady. 

WHAT  THEY  were  'doing. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  diamond. 

AND  SHE  listened. 

*  #    » 

FOR  A  long  time. 

»    *    * 

INTENTLY.  ^ 

AND  THEN  said. 

"I  DONTJike  their  suits. 

"DO  YOU?"  ^ 

AND  AFTER  a  while. 

SHE  ASKED  him. 

WHATJTHEY  were  doing. 

WITH  ALL  the  flowers. 

AND  HE  said. 

*  *    * 

THEY  WERE  giving  them. 

TO  A  Mr.  Mathewson. 

*  »    » 

AND  SHE^said. 
"DO  THEY  do  that. 

"EVERY  DAY?" 

*  *    » 

AND  HE  jsaid. 
"EVERY  DAY. 
"THEY^HAVE  to  do  it 
"OR  HE  wpn'jt  play." 
AND  SHE^said. 

"HOW  FUNNY. 

*  *    » 

"ARE  WE  Agoing  home. 

"ON  THE  elevated?" 

»    »    » 

AND  HE 


"THERE'S^  MATTY  now. 
AND  SHE*  said. 


"THERE'S  MATTY  who?" 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  never  answered. 

*  »    * 

AND  AFTER  a  while. 

SHE  SAID. 

*  »    • 

"WHY  ARE  all  the  people. 

"CLAPPING  THEIR  hands?" 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  said. 

"THEY;VE  JUST  signalled. 

"ON  THEJbig  board. 
"AT  THEjend  of  the  field. 
"THAT  THEY'VE  caught  a  shark. 
"OFF  THE  Jersey  Coast." 
AND  SHE^saM. 

"HOW  FUNNY." 

*  *    » 

AND  HE  said:  "Yes. 

"IT'S  A  scream. 

»    *    » 

"HIT  THE  ball. 

"YOU  BIG  cheese." 

*  *    * 

AND  SHE^sajd. 
"WHY^HARRY. 

"SUCH  LANGUAGE." 

*  *    » 

AND  A  little  later. 

*  *    » 

ROBERTSON  SLID. 

FOR  HOMJE.* 

AND  SHE^said. 

"WHY  DO*ES  he  get  down. 

"ON  HIS  stomach?" 

»    *    * 

AND  HARRY  said. 
"THERE  WAS  a  fly  on  it. 
"AND  HE^wanted  to  crush  it." 
AND  SHE#sa{d. 

"HOW  FUNNY." 

»    *    * 

AND  HE  didn't  strike  her. 

AND  I  knew/ 

SHE  WASN'T  his  wife. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


CHAUNCEY  M.  Depew. 

»    »    * 

FORMER  #U.#S.  Senator. 

AND  EVERYTHING. 

*  *    * 

MY  DEAR  Chauncey. 

*  *    * 

I  DIDNT  mind. 

*  *    * 

WHEN  I  read  in  the  paper. 

*  *    * 

THAT  YOU^agreed. 

WITH  MR.  Loree. 

*  *    * 

THAT  FEW  men. 
EVER  ATTAIN  success. 
TILL  45.   *    . 

I  LIKED  that. 

*  *    * 

BECAUSE  I'M  not  45- 

*  *    * 

BUT  CHAUNCEY. 

LISTEN  TO  me. 

*  *    * 

YOU  DIDN'T  have  to  go  on. 

*  *    * 

WITH  ALL  that  guff. 

ABOUT  WORKING  sixteen  hours. 

IN  ONE  dayv 

WHEN  YOU  were  a  boy. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  first  place. 

*  *    * 

YOU  OUGHTN'T  to  brag  about  it. 

*  •»    * 

BECAUSE  ANYBODY. 

*  *    * 

THAT  HA^S  to  work. 
SIXTEEN^HOURS  a  day. 
TO  GET  a^day's  wages. 

THERE'S  SOMETHING  the  mat- 
ter with  him. 

*  *     * 

AND  BESIDES  that. 

*  *     * 

YOU'VE  GOT  yours. 

*  *    * 

AND  FOR  years. 

*  *    * 

YOU  HAVEN'T  had  anything  to 

do. 

*  *    * 

EXCEPT  BE  a  Senator. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  railroad  president. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  bank  director. 

*  *     * 

AND  YOU  ought  to  be  satisfied. 
AND  KEEP  quiet. 


AND  NOT  go  around. 

TELLING  REPORTERS. 

*  #    * 

THAT  THE  way  to  succeed. 

*  *    * 

IS  TO  work. 

*  *    * 

SIXTEEN  HOURS  a  day. 

*  .  *  '* 

WHEN  YOU'RE  young. 

*  *    » 

HOW  DO^you  know. 

BUT  WHAT  Mr.  Hearst. 

*  #    * 

MIGHT  READ  what  you  said. 

»    *    * 

AND  CALL  me  in. 

AND  SAY. 

*  *    * 

"HOW  LONG  does  it  take. 

*  *    » 

"TO  WRITE  your  column?" 

AND  I'D  tell  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE'D  say. 

"IS  THAT  all?" 

*  *    * 

AND  I'D  say:  "Yes." 

*  *    * 

AND  HE'D  say. 

"WELL,  AFTER  this. 

*  *     * 

'TOR  FIFTEEN  hours. 

*  *    * 

"AND  THIRTY  minutes. 

*  *     # 

"YOU  CAN  run  an  elevator. 

"AND  MAYBE. 

*•    *    • 

"AFTER  A  while. 

*  *    * 

"YOU'LL  OWN  a  paper." 

*  *    * 

IT'S  ALL  wrong. 

*  *    * 

THE  WAY  you  talk. 

IT'S  LIKE  Andrew  Carnegie. 

*  *     * 

ALWAYS  TELLING  people. 

*  *    * 

HOW  TO  succeed. 

*  *    * 

AND  MAKE^money. 
AFTER^ANDY. 

AND  TWO  or  three  others. 

*  *    * 

HAVE  GOT  all  the  money. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  world. 

*  *     * 

AND  WON'T  give  it  up. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


TO-DAY. 

*  *  * 

IS  THE  last  day. 

*  *    * 

WE  CAN  wear  straw  hats. 

*  *     * 

AND  KEEP  our  names. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  Blue  Book. 
AND  TO-NIGHT. 
AFTER^MY  party. 

AT  THE  Lyric. 

*  *    * 

I'M  GOING  to  get  everybody. 

*  *    » 

TO  GO  over  to  Shanley's. 
AND  WE'RE^  going  to  check. 
ALL  OUR^ha^ts. 

AND  SIT  around. 

*  *     » 

AND  EAT. 

AND  DRINK  a  little. 

*  *    * 

AND  AFTER^  a  while. 
WE'RE  AGOING  to  get  up. 

AND  WALK  right  out. 

*  *    * 

ONTO  THE  ^street. 

BAREHEADED. 

AND  WE'RE^going  home. 

WITHOUT  OUR  hats. 

WE'RE  AGOING  to  leave  them. 

IN  THE  check  room. 

*  *    » 

WE'VE ^BEEN  buying  them  back. 

EVERY  NIGHT. 

*  *    » 

FOR  FOUR  months. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE'RE^  going  to  quit. 

WE'RE  GOING  to  fool  them. 

*  #    * 

THEY'RE  DIRTY. 

*  #    * 

AND  WE  jion't  want  them. 
THEY  CAN  have  them. 

AND  PUT  them  in  the  garbage. 

*  *    * 

OR  ANYWHERE. 

»    *    * 

IT'S  A  fine  time. 

*  *    * 

FOR  ALL^the  men. 
TO  RISE  up.* 


IN  THEIR  might. 

AND  GET  even. 

*    *    » 

IF  THEY'D  do  it. 
THEY  COULD  litter  up. 
ALL  THE^cafes. 
IN  NEW  York. 
WITH  DIRTY  hats. 
THAT  THEY  can't  wear. 
AFTER^  TO-NIGHT. 
I'VE  GOT\hree. 
AND  TO-DAY  noon. 
I'M  GOING  to  Jack's. 
AND  LEAVED  one  there. 
AND  AT  dinner  time. 
I'M  GOING  to  Keene's. 
AND  LEAVE  one  there. 
AND  THE#  third  one. 
I'M  GOING  to  leave. 

WHEREVER*  WE  go. 

«    «    * 

AFTER^THE  party. 

AND  TO-MORROW. 

*  *    * 

I'M  GOING  to  have  Harry  Houdini. 

TEACH  M*E.* 

*  »    * 

HOW  HE  can  make. 

*  *    » 

A  HAT  ^disappear. 

AND  GET  it  back. 

*  »    »  . 

OUT  OF  his  shoe. 

*  *    * 

THE  TROUBLE  is. 
THEY'RE^ALL  the  time. 
INVENTING^WAYS. 
OF  GETTING  dimes. 
AND  NOBODY. 
INVENTS^ANY  ways. 
OF  KEEPING  them. 

IF  THEY  don't  stop. 

*  *    * 

WE'LL  #BE  eating. 
IN  OUR  underclothes. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


WILLIAM^  HOWARD  Taft. 
WHEREVER  YOU  are. 

MY  DEAR  Bill. 

*  *    » 

JUST  A^  little  Awhile  ago. 
I  READ^  in^  the  paper. 

THAT  YOU. 

*  #    * 

AND  THEODORE  Roosevelt. 

*  *    * 

WERE  GOING  to  shake  hands. 

*  *    * 

AT  THE  Union  League  Glub. 

TUESDAY  NIGHT. 

*  •»    * 

AND  I  never  voted  for  you. 

*  *    # 

BUT  I  like  you. 

*  *    * 

AND  I'M  going  to  tell  you. 

ABOUT  SOMETHING. 

*  *    * 

THAT  HAPPENED  to  me. 
WHEN  I  was^  a  boy. 
IN  ORILLIA. 
THERE^WAS  another  boy. 
NAMED  MICKEY  Flynn. 
AND  MICKEY  and  I. 

WERE  ENEMIES. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  used  to  go  around. 
ALL  THE  time  bragging. 

ABOUT  WHAT  we'd  do. 

*  *    * 

TO  EACH#  other. 

IF  WE  ever  met. 

AND  ONE^day. 

COUSIN  ALEX. 

CAME  TO^  me. 

AND  SAID.    * 

THAT  HE  thought  Miekey  and  I. 

OUGHT  TO  make  up. 

AND  I  pretended. 

I  DIDNT  want  to. 

BUT  I  did.] 

BECAUSE  ALWAYS. 

*    *    * 

I  WAS  more  or  less  worried. 
ABOUT  WHAT  would  happen. 


IF  WE  ever  met. 

*  *     * 

IT  WAS  a  little  town. 

*  *    * 

AND  WITH  ^Mickey  there. 
I  ALWAYS  felt. 

THAT  SOMETHING  might  hap- 

pen. 

*  #    * 

AT  ANY  minute. 

AND  AFTER  a  while. 

*  «    » 

I  AGREED. 

*  *    » 

AND  WE  all  went  down. 

*  *    * 

TO  THE  swimming  place. 
AND  MICKEY  was  there. 
AND  AS  soon  as  he  saw  me. 
HE  CAME  over. 

*         #         * 

WITH  A  smile  on  his  face. 

*  *    * 

AND  A^wallop. 
IN  HlSjight^hand. 
THAT  ALMOST  killed  me. 
WHEN^IT   hit  me. 
AND  I'M  telling  you  this. 
SO  YOU'LL  be  ready. 
ON  TUESDAY  night. 
AND  IF  Teddy  smiles. 
AND  SHOWS  his  teeth. 
AND  COMES  toward  you. 
AND  RAISES  his  right. 
YOU  GRAB  it. 
AND  HANG  on  to  it. 

AND  WATCH  his  left. 

*  *    * 

AND  STICK  there. 

*  *    * 

TILL  YOU'RE  quite  sure. 

HE'S  MADE  up  his  mind. 

*  *    * 

TO  LET  y  outlive. 

AND  BILL. 

*  *    » 

REMEMBER  THIS. 

*  *    * 

THERE^S  BEEN  people  killed. 
AT  PEACE  meetings. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IF  THE  tall  lady. 

WITH  THE^yellow  gown. 

AND  THE  hand-painted  hat. 

*  *     * 

AND  THE  gray  shoes. 

WHO  PICKED  up  the  little  man. 

*  *    * 

WITH  THE  white  shoes. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  silk  suit. 

*  *    * 

WHEN  HE  fell  down. 

*  *    * 

NEAR  THE  curb. 

*  *    * 

OF  BROADWAY. 

AND  FORTY-SECOND  street. 

WILL  SEND  her  name. 

*  *    * 

TO  ME. 

*  *    * 

AT  THE  American  office. 

*  #     * 

I  WANT  to  call  on  her. 

*  *     * 

AND  ASK  her. 

*  *    * 

IF  SHE  knows  the  number. 

*  »    # 

OF  THE  automobile. 

THAT  BACKFIRED. 

*  *     * 

WHEN  I  was  resting. 

*  *    * 

AGAINST  THE  back  of  it. 

#         #         * 

TILL  MY^car  came. 

THAT'S  HOW  it  happened. 

*  *    * 

SHE  FOUND  me  lying. 

ON  THE  street. 

I  WAS  ^all^right. 

AND  HAD  just  had  my  lunch. 

AT  THE  Friars. 

WITH  FRANK  Coombs. 

*  *    * 

AND  MY  clothes. 
HAD  JUST  come  back. 

FROM  THE  cleaners. 

*•     *     * 

FOR  A  dollar  and  a  half. 

*  *     * 

MAKING  THEM  worth. 
WITH  THE  original  price. 
OF  FOURTEEN  fifty. 


TWENTY-THREE  fifty. 

AND  I  was  shaved. 

*  *    * 

AND  BATHED. 

AND  EVERYTHING. 

*  *    * 

AND  HAD  said  to  myself. 

*  *    * 

THAT  I'D  ride  down. 

*  *    * 

ON  A  surface  car. 

*  *    * 

WHERE   I   could   get   my   white 
shoes. 

UNDER  THE  seat. 
AND  KEEP  people. 

FROM  STEPPING  on  them. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  was  resting  there. 

IN  THE  shad*e. 

*  *    * 

OF  AN^automobile. 

WITH  MY  copy. 

FOR  THE^next  morning. 

IN  MY*pocket. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  was  wondering. 

*  *    * 

WHAT  I  would  do. 

*  *    * 

IF  THE^  pavement  blew  up. 

AND  THERE  was  an  explosion. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  lady. 
WITH  THE  gray  shoes. 
AND  THE^  yellow  gown. 
AND  THE  hand-painted  hat. 

WAS  LIFTING  me  up. 

*  *    * 

AND  TELLING  me. 
IT  WAS  an  right. 
THAT  THE  automobile. 
HAD  JUST  backfired. 

AND  I'D  like  to  find  her. 

*  *    * 

AND  GET  the  number. 

*  *    * 

AND  ASK^her  what  she  did. 
WITH  MY  scarf  pin. 
I  CAN'T  seem  to  find  it. 
ANYWHE*RE. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


THOMAS  #ALVAH  Edison. 

ASSISTANT  TO  the  Creator. 

*  *    » 

FRIEND. 

»    *    * 

AND  CITIZEN. 

MY  DEAR  Tom. 

*  »    * 

I  DON'T  suppose. 

YOU  REMEMBER  me. 

*  *    * 

BUT  A  long  time  ago. 

OUT  IN  the  West. 

*  *    » 

I  BOUGHT  a  phonograph. 

AND  PLAYED  it  nights. 

*  »    * 

ON  THE  shore  of  a  lake. 

WHILE  YOUNG  folks. 

*  *    * 

PADDLED  QUIETLY. 

IN  THEIR  canoes. 

*  *    » 

AND  DREAMED. 

AND  NIGHT  winds. 

*  *    * 

KEPT  I 


ATOP  THE  pines. 

*  *    * 

AND  SINCE  ^then. 
YOU'VE  BEEN  my  friend. 
AND  NOW. 

I  WANT  to  ask  you. 

*  *    * 

IF  YOU'LL  do  something. 

JUST  FOR  m*e. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  want  to  tell  you. 

THAT  FOR  weeks. 

*  •»    » 

I'VE  BEEN  going  about. 
BUYING  TICKETS. 

AT  BOX  offices. 

*  *    * 

TO  MOTION  pictures. 
AND  THREE  or  four  times. 
I'VE  BOUGHT  tickets. 
FOR  LONG  "island. 

AND  ONE  time. 

*  *    * 

I  GOT  a  dollar's  worth  of  nickels. 
AT  AN  automat. 


AND  ryE^  bought  tickets. 

TO  THE  ball  games. 

*  »    » 

AND  TOM. 

»    *    » 

IN  ALL  that^time. 
I  HA VENT  found  anybody. 
THAT'LL  #LOOK  at  me. 
WHENJTHEY  take  my  money. 
AND  IF  I  ask  them  anything. 

THEY'LL  GAZE  somewhere. 

«    *    * 

OVER  MY  head. 

*  »    * 

AND  THEIRJips  will  move. 
AND  MAYBE  I'll  hear  them. 

AND  MAYBE  I  won't. 

«    *    * 

AND  I  wanted  to  ask  you. 

*  *    * 

IF  YOU  don't  think. 

*  »    * 

YOU  CAN  invent  something. 

LIKE  THE  torture  piece. 

*  *    * 

THAT  THE  photographer. 
PUTS  ON^your  head. 

AND  HAVE*it  fixed. 

*  *    * 

SO  THAT^  every  box  office. 

WILL  HAVE  one. 

*  *    » 

FOR  THE^  ticket  seller's  head. 

AND  HAVE  *a  lever. 

*  »    » 

ON  THE  outside. 

SO  THAT^the  customer. 

CAN  WORK*it. 

*  »    * 

AND  IF  he's  short 

»    »    * 

HE  CAN  make  the  ticket  seller. 
LOOK  DOWN. 

AND  IF*  he's  tall. 

*  *    * 

HE  CAN  make  him  look  up. 
I'M  GETTING  tired. 
PAYING  MOJNEY  to  people. 
THAT  WONT  look  at  me. 
WHEN  THEY  take  it. 

TTHANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


WE'D  JUST  been  over. 

TO  SEE  "Pierrot  the  Prodigal." 


AND  IT'S^a  pantomime. 

AND   THERE  were  a   couple   of 

folks. 

*  »    * 

BEHIND   ME. 

*  *    * 

A  YOUNG  man. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  young  woman. 

WHO'D  MADE  a  mistake. 

*  #     * 

IN  THE  theatre. 

*  *    * 

I  THINK  they'd  started  out. 

TO  SEE  "The  Girl  from  Brazil." 

*  *    * 

OR  SOMETHING  like  that. 

*  *    » 

AND  A  speculator. 

*  *    « 

HAD  SOLD  them  tickets. 

TO  "PIERROT  the  Prodigal." 

*  •»    * 

AND  I  don't  know. 

WHAT  HE  told  them. 

*  *     * 

BUT,  ANYWAY. 

*  *    » 

ALONG  ABOUT  the  middle. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  first  act. 

*  *    * 

I  HEARD  the  young  woman. 
SAY  TO  the  young  man. 

"I  AIN'T  heard  a  word. 

*  *    * 

"THEY'VE  SAID." 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  young  man  said. 

"YOU  GOT  nothin'  on  me. 

*  *     * 

"THEY  AIN'T  talkin'. 

*         #         # 

"WHAT'S  JTT  about?" 

AND  SHE  said. 

*  *    * 

"YOU  CAN  search  me. 

"I  THOUGHT  we  was  goin'. 

"TO  A  singin'  show." 

*  *    * 

BUT  THEY  didn't  go. 

THEY  STAYED. 

*  *    * 

THROUGH  THE  three  acts. 

*  *     # 

AND  IN  the  last  act. 

*  *    * 

THE  GIRL  cried. 

*  *    * 

BUT  WHAT  I  started  to  say. 


WAS  WE'D  just  been  over. 

TO  THE  Booth  Theatre. 

*  #     * 

AND  HAD  gone  up  on  the  roof. 

TO  "CASTLES  in  the  Air." 

*  *    * 

AND  I  walked  over. 

*  *     * 

TO  A  head  waiter. 

*  *     * 

OR  WHATEVER  they  are. 

*  #     * 

IN  DINNER^ clothes. 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    * 

"I'D  LIKE  a  table  for  four." 

*  *     * 

AND  THE  head  waiter. 

*  *     # 

OR  WHATEVER  he  was. 

*  *    * 

JUST  LOOKED  at  me. 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    » 

"I'D  LIKE  one  myself." 

*  *    * 

AND  I  ^said.  ^ 
"WHAT'S  THE  matter. 

#  *         #• 

"ARE  THEY  all  reserved?" 

*  *    • 

AND  HE  said. 

*  *    » 

"IF  YOU'LL  wait  a  minute. 

»    *    » 

"WE'LL  FIND  out. 
"I'M  JUST^aguest." 

AND  AFTER  a  while. 

*  *    » 

WE  ALL  got^tables. 

AND  MY  wife  told  the  story. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  first  time. 

*  *    * 

WE'D  EVER  been  to  a  house. 

*  *     * 

WHERE  THEY  had  a  butler. 

*  *         * 

AND  I  thought  the  butler. 

WAS  ONE  of  the  guests. 

*  *     * 

AND  SHOOK  hands  with  him. 

AND  ASKED  him  his  name. 

*  *     * 

SO  I  could  introduce  him. 
TO  MY] wife.* 
AND,  ANYWAY. 
WE  HAD  a  nice  party. 

AND  DIDN'T  get  home. 

*  *     * 

TILL  2  o'clock. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


WHEREVER  I'D  been. 

*        *        • 

IT  WAS  late. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  was  hurrying  home. 
AND  I  heard  something. 
AND  LOOKED  down. 

AND  THERE  was  a  kitten. 

*  #    * 

RUBBING^  ITSELF. 

AGAINST  MY  shoes. 

*  »    * 

AND  I  picked  it  up. 
AND  SAT  upon  the  steps. 
OF  A  brownstone  front. 
AND  IT  purred. 

AND  I  told  it. 

*  *    * 

I  LIVED  in  an  hotel. 

*  *    * 

AND  THERE  was  a  sign. 
THAT  SAID^ 
I  COULDN'T  keep  pets. 
AND  WHEREVER  it  lived. 
IT  OUGHT  to  go  home. 
AND  I  put#  it^down. 
AND  WENT  on. 

*  *        * 

AND  LOOKED  back. 

*  #         * 

AND  IT  was  coming  after  me. 

*  *    * 

AND  WOBBLING. 
AND  I  stopped. 

AND  IT  cried. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  went  back. 
AND  TOLD  it. 
IT  WASN'T  right. 

FOR  A  little  kitten. 

*  *    » 

TO  BE  following. 

*  *    * 

STRANGE  MEN. 

*  *    * 

SO  LATE^at^night. 

AND  IT  purred. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  scolded  it. 

AND  LEFT  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  LOOKED  back. 
AND  IT  was  coming. 


AS  FAST  as  it  could. 

AND  I  hurrie'd. 

*  *    * 

AND  TRIED^to  forget  it. 
AND  COULDN'T. 

AND  STOPPED. 

*  *    » 

AND  IT  caught  up. 

AND  I  told  it. 

*  *    * 

IF  IT  would  stay  quiet. 

UNDER  MY*coat. 

*  *    » 

I'D  TAKEJtjupstairs. 

TO  MY  ro*om. 

*  *    * 

BUT  IN  the  morning. 

IT  WOULD  have  to  get  out. 

AND  IT  did. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  fixed  it  a  bed. 

ON  A  chair.  * 

*  *    * 

AND  PUT^out  the  lights. 
AND  IN  the  morning. 

WHEN  I  woke  up. 

*  #    * 

THE  DARN  Jittle  thing. 
WAS  ALL^  cuddled  up. 
UNDER  MY\rm. 
AND  SOUND  asleep. 
AND  I  ordered  breakfast. 

IN  MY*room* 

*  *    * 

AND  THREW  away  the  mush. 

AND  GAVE  it  the  cream. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE^  chambermaid  came. 
AND  I  put^  it  in  a  drawer. 

AND  IT  meowed. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  had  to  meow. 

*  *     * 

TO  FOOL  the  maid. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  heard#her  telling. 
THE  OTHER  maid. 
THAT  THE*man. 
IN  608.  * 

WAS  CRAZY. 

*  *    * 

THAT  HE  was  meowing. 
LIKE  A  cat. 

TTHANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


FRANKLIN  P.  Adams. 
WHO  WRITES  pieces. 

FOR  ANOTHER  paper. 

*  *     * 

AND  WHO  has  a  flivver. 

AND  USES  it. 

*  *    » 

AS  AN  automobile. 

*  *    * 

ASKED  ME  to  go. 

»    *    • 

FOR  A  ride. 

*  •»    * 

AND  I  did. 

*  *    # 

AND  ON  the  way. 

*  *    « 

WE  STOPPED. 

*  *    * 

AT  THE  home. 

*  *    * 

OF  A  friend  of  Franklin's. 

AND   GOT  out. 

*  *    * 

AND  HIS  friend. 

*•    *     * 

WAS  SPRINKLING  the  lawn. 

*•    *    * 

AND  HE  asked  me. 

*  *    * 

TO  HOLD  the  hose. 

*  »    » 

WHILE^  HE  and  Franklin. 

WENT  IN  the  house. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  did. 

*  »    * 

AND  SAW  some  cobwebs. 

•*    *    * 

ON  THE  branch  of  a  tree. 

AND  AIMED  at  them. 

»    *    * 

WITH  THE  water. 
AND  HIT^them. 

AND  SOMEBODY  yelled. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  was  a  woman. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  veranda. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  next  house. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  was  pointing  the  hose. 

*  *    * 

RIGHT  AT  her. 

*        *         # 

AND  SHE  didn't  know. 

*  *    * 

ABOUT  THE  cobwebs. 

*  *    * 

AND  THOUGHT  I  was  doing  it. 


ON  PURPOSE. 

*  *         * 

AND  WHEN  she  yelled. 

*  *    * 

I   BECAME   excited. 

AND  TURNED  the  hose. 

*  *     * 

THROUGH  AN  open  window. 

*  *     * 

AND  WASHED  some  ornaments. 

*  *    * 

OFF  A  table. 

*  #         * 

AND  TURNED   again. 

*  *    * 

AND  HIT  a  cat. 

*  *        * 

AND  IT  yowled. 

OR  WHATEVER  they  do. 

AND  I  dropped  the  hose. 

AND   IT  squirmed. 

*  *    * 

AND  STRUCK  me. 

*  *        * 

AND  I  ^grabbed  it  again. 
JUST  AS  Franklin. 
CAME  OUT  of  the  house. 

*  *         # 

AND  I  hit  him. 

*  *    * 

RIGHT  IN  the  stomach. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  sort  of  gasped. 
LIKE  YOU  inhale. 
WHEN^YOU^eat  peppermint. 

AND  I  turned  again. 

*  *    * 

AND  SLUICED  a  little  kitten. 

*  *    » 

OFF  THE  veranda. 

*  *    » 

INTO  A  flower  box. 

*  *    * 

AND  BY  that  time. 

I  WAS  wild.  * 

*  *    * 

AND  FRANKLIN  could  see  it. 

AND  HE  dived  in. 

*  *    * 

AND  GOT  the  hose. 

*  #    * 

WHILE^  THE  rest  of  the  folks. 

WERE  DRAGGING. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  flower  box. 

*  *    * 

FOR  THE  kitten. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


THE  OTHER  night. 

*        *        * 

I  WENT  to  the  dinner. 

»    *    » 

OF  THE  New  York  Press  Club. 

*  *    * 

AT  THE  Waldorf-Astoria. 

*  »    * 

AND  ATE^the  clams. 

AT  TABLE  4*1. 

*  *    » 

AND  NOBODY  spoke  to  me. 

»    *•    * 

AND  THERE  was  a  vacant  seat. 

*  *    * 

AT  TABLE  26. 

»    *    * 

AND  I  got  tij>. 

AND  WENT^over  there. 

AND  ATE^the  clams. 

AND  LISTENED. 

«    *    * 

TO  THE  Conversation. 

AND  FOUND  out. 

*  *    * 

THAT  I  was  at  a  table. 

WITH  WILLIAM  A.  Brady. 

*  *     * 

AND  GEORGE  Cohan. 

*  *    * 

AND  TOKEN  Worm. 
AND  SAM#  Harris. 
AND  DAVE  Wallace. 

AND  THEY  were  talking. 

*  »     # 

ABOUT^THE  newspapers. 
AND  GEORGE  Cohan  said. 
THERE  WAS  a  new  nut. 

*  -X-  * 

ON  THE  American. 

*  *     # 

AND  I  ^thought  he  meant  me. 
AND  JUST  then. 
WILLIAM  A;  Brady. 
INTRODUCED   HIMSELF. 
AND  ASKED#  me  my  name. 
AND  I  took  a.  quick  glance. 
AT  THE  list^pf  guests. 
I  HAD  in  my  hand. 
AND  SAW  the  name. 
OF  REV.  H.  B.  Frissell. 

AND  TOLD  him. 

«    *    » 


THAT'S^  WHO  I  was. 
AND  HE  introduced  me. 
AND  AFTER^that. 
HE  INTONED. 

EVERYTHING  HE  said. 

»    *    * 

AND  ASKED^  me. 

WHAT  DENOMINATION  I  was. 

AND  I  told  him. 

*  *    * 

I  V/AS  an  JEpjscopalian. 

AND  GEORGE  Cohan  asked  me. 

A  LITTLE  la*ter. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  told  him. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS  a  Baptist. 

»    *    » 

AND  MR.  Brady  looked  at  me. 

AND  SAID: 

"I  THOUGHT  you  said. 

"YOU  WERE^  an  Episcopalian." 

AND  I  got^  confused. 

AND  SAID:  * 

"I  WAS.    * 

"BUT  THEY  pay  more. 

"IN  THE  Baptist  Church. 

"AND  ^changed." 

AND  HARRIS  said: 

"I  DIDN'T  know. 

"YOU    SWITCHED    around    like 

that." 

*  *     * 

AND  I  got  red. 
AND  SAID:  * 

"WE  DON'T  care. 

*  #    * 

"WHERE  WE  work. 

*         #         # 

"SO  LONG  as  we  get  paid." 
AND  I'M  writing  this. 
TO  SQUARE  Mr.  Frissell. 
I  HADN'T  any  right. 

TO  USE  his  name. 

*  *    * 

BUT  I  had^to^do  something. 
QUICK* 

""ITrHANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


DID  YOU^ever. 
IN  ALL  youMife. 
MEET  ANYBODY. 

THAT  WOULD  admit. 

*  *    * 

THAT  HE  couldn't  sing. 

*  *    * 

"SILVER  THREADS  Among  the 

Gold?" 

*  »    » 

THE  OTHER  night. 

I  WENT  uptown. 

*  *    • 

TO  THE  Walton  Hotel. 

*  »    * 

AND  WAS  introduced. 

*  *    * 

TO  SANDY  MacLean. 

*  *    * 

AND  B.  G.  Cobb. 

*  *    » 

AND  THOMAS  S.  Napier. 

AND  JOHN  Fife. 

*  *    * 

WHOEVER  THEY  are. 

*  *    * 

ALL  I  know. 

*  *    * 

IS  THEY'RE  Scotch. 

*  *    * 

AND  LIKE  all  Scotchmen. 
ALONG^  ABOUT  eleven. 
THEY'VE^GOT  to  sing. 

OR  CRY. 

»    »    * 

AND  I  suggested. 
"SILVER  THREADS/' 
BECAUSE  I  know  the  words. 
AND  IT'S  the  only  thing. 

I  CAN  sing. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  started. 

*  *    * 

AND  ALL  sang  bass. 

*  *    » 

EXCEPT  SANDY  MacLean. 

AND  WHEN  I  heard  him. 

»     *     * 

TAKING  A  high  note. 
I   SORT  of  shivered. 
AND  LOOKED  at  him. 
AND  HIS*face. 

WAS  IN  a  knot. 

*     #    * 

AND  YOU  couldn't  see  his  eye 


AND  HE  was  red. 

AND  THE  veins  in  his  neck. 

*  *     * 

STOOD^OUT. 

LIKE  THE  cross  pieces. 

*  #         * 

OF  A  raspberry  tart. 

AND  I  whispered  to  Napier. 

*  *         *  v 

"I  THINK  we'd  better  stop. 

*  *     * 

"SANDY'S  DYING." 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  |topped. 

AND  SANDY  got  sore. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  started  again. 

*  *     * 

AND  I  watched  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  RIGHT  away. 

*  *    * 

HE  WENT  back. 

«    *    * 

INTO  A  convulsion. 

«    »    » 

AND  I  stopped  them  again. 

AND  SAID: 

*  *    » 

"FELLAHS. 

*  *    » 

"BEFORE  WE  sing  another  note. 

*  »    * 

"I  WANT  you  to  know. 

*  «    * 

"IF  SANDY  dies. 

*  *    * 

"IT  ISNT^my  fault." 

AND  THEY  agreed. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  started  again. 
AND  THERE  was  a  knock. 

*  tr  * 

ON  THE  door. 

AND  SOMEBODY  said: 

*  *    # 

"DON'T  GET  any  blood. 

*  *     » 

"ON  THE  hardwood  floors. 

*  *    * 

"OR  THE^walls. 

"IF  YOU'VE^got  to  kill  it. 

"WHATEVER  IT  is. 

"PUT  IT  in  the  tub. 

*  *    * 

"IN  THE  bathroom." 

*  *    * 

AND  THAT  made  us  sore. 

»    »    * 

AND  WE  didn't  sing  any  more. 

*  *    * 

IN  THAT  hotel. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


SOME  DAY% 

AN  ELEVATOR  boy. 

*  *    * 

IS  GOING  to  smile  at  me. 

*  »    * 

AND  SAY:  "Good  morning." 
AND  I'M  going  to  reach  out. 

AND  PUT  my  arms  around  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  DRAW  him  to  me. 

*  *    * 

AND  ASK  him  his  name. 

*  *    * 

AND  GET  it. 

•»    »    # 

AND  SEND  it  to  Joe  Kathrens. 
AND  HAVE  Joe. 

MAKE  HIM  a  member. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  Sunshine  Club. 

*  •    • 

AND  GET  him  a  medal. 

*  *    * 

WITH  HIS  name  on  it. 

AND  UNDERNEATH  the  name. 

*  *    * 

THE  WJORDS: 
"AN  ELEVATOR  man. 
"WHO  SMILED/' 
AND  HE'LL  wear  it. 

#        #        » 

AND  ELEVATOR  men. 

*  #     * 

IN  OTHER  buildings. 

*  *    * 

WILL  HEAR  about  it. 

»    *    * 

AND  YOU'LL  come  downtown. 

*  »    * 

IN  THE  morning. 
WITH  A  grouch. 

ABOUT  THE  coffee. 

»    *    * 

OR  THE  eggs. 

*  *    » 

OR  WHATEVER  it  was. 

*  #    * 

AND   THE  elevator  man. 

*  *    * 

WILL  GREET  you. 

WITH  A  smile. 

*  *    » 

AND  GOOD  ^morning. 
AND  RIGHT  away. 
YOU'LL  BE  Ashamed. 
AND  ANSWER  back. 


AND  SMILE. 

»    •    » 

AND  GO  into  the  office. 

*  *    • 

AND  SMILE; 

AND  SAY  good  morning. 

TO  THE  helix 

AND  THEY'LL  smile. 

AND  ANSWER  back. 

*  *    » 

AND  YOU'LL  call  your  wife. 

*  *    » 

ON  THE  phone. 

AND  SAY:; 

"IS  THAT^you,  dear?" 

AND  SHE^LL  say 

"YES,  JOHN.] 

"WHAT'S  THE  matter,  dear?" 

AND  YOU|LL  say: 

"I'M  SORRY^ 

"ABOUT  WHAT  I  said. 

"ABOUT  THE  coffee." 

AND  SHEXL  say: 

"YOU  FOOLISH  boy. 

"DON'T  WORRY  about  that. 

"AND  HURR*Y  home." 

*  *    * 

AND  SHE'^LL  hang  up  the  phone. 
AND  SMILE.* 

AND  SING. 

»    »    * 

AND  GO  to  the  kitchen. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  maid'll  smile. 

*  »    # 

AND  SAY  good  morning. 

TO  THE  ice  man. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE'LL  smile. 

*  *    * 

AND  GO  to  the  neighbors. 
AND  THEY'LL  smile. 
AND  WOULDN'T  it  be  fine. 
TO  BE  an  ^elevator  man. 
AND  DO  all  that? 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


YOU'LL  BE  £lad  to  know. 

THAT  I  got  a  letter. 

*  *    * 

FROM  DAVE  Warfield. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  next  day. 
»    «    « 

I  WENT  to  lunch  with  him. 

AT  THE  Lambs. 

*  *     * 

AND  SAW  the  ruins. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  addition. 

*  *    * 

TO  THE  clubhouse. 

AND  MACKLYN  Arbuckle. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  lot  of  photographs. 

AND  RELICS. 

*  *    * 

AND  AFTER  lunch. 

I  WENT  out  on  the  steps. 

ON  THE  street. 

*  *    * 

WITH  MR.  Warfield. 

AND  MR.  Arbuckle. 

*  *     * 

AND  STOOD  there. 
LAUGHING.^ 
AND  TALKING. 

AND  HOPING. 

*  *    * 

THAT  SOMEBODY. 

FROM  BACK  home. 

*  *    * 

WOULD  HAPPEN  along. 
AND  SEE^me. 

AND  GO  back. 

*  *    * 

AND  TELL  the  folks. 

*  *    * 

SO  THEY^could  start  a  campaign. 
FOR  NEW  members. 
OF  THE  Pretty  Soft  Club. 

BUT  THERE  was  nobody. 

*  *    * 

THAT  I  ever  saw  before. 

*  *    * 

EXCEPT  A  waiter. 

THAT  WORKS  on  the  roof. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  Majestic. 

*  #    * 

AND  I'D  been  there. 
THE  NIGHT  before. 


AND  I  spoke  to  him. 

*  *    * 

HEARTILY. 

*  *    * 

AS  HE  went  by. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  was  an  hour  later. 

*  *    * 

BEFORE  I  recalled. 

WHO  IT  was. 

*  *    * 

I  THOUGHT  he  was  somebody. 
I'D  MET. 

BUT  ANYWAY. 

*  *    * 

HE'S  A  good  waiter. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHEN  you're  eating  around. 

LIKE  I  am. 

*  *    * 

YOU  CAN  learn  to  love. 

*  *    * 

A  GOOD  waiter. 

BUT  GETTING  back  again. 

TO  THE  front  steps. 

OF  THE  clubhouse. 

*  *    * 

THERE^WE^were. 

THE  THREE  of  us. 

*  *    * 

AND  YOU^  wouldn't  have  known. 
THE  WAY  I^acted. 
I  WASN'T^  an  actor. 
EXCEPT  YOU  could  hear. 

#         *        * 

THAT  I  had  money. 

AND  AFTER*  a  while. 

*  *    * 

I  HAD  to  go. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  said  goodby. 

AND  WENT^down  the  steps. 

JAUNTILY.  * 

*  *    * 

ON  MY^toes.^ 

AND  SWUNG  my  cane. 

AND  KNOCKED  my  hat  off. 

AND  HAD  to  pick  it 

OUT  OF  the  gutter. 

I  WAS  diat  mad! 

I  COULDA  cded. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


OTTO  H. 


MY  DEAR  Otto. 

THE  OTHER  night. 

I  WENT  over. 

TO  MADISON  Square  Garden. 

TO  HEAR  the  concert. 

*  *     * 

OF  THE  Symphony  orchestra. 

AND  THE  programme  said. 

*  *    * 

THAT  YOU. 

*  *    * 

AND  AJot^people. 
MADE  IT  possible. 

TO  HAVE  the  concerts. 

*  »     * 

AND  I  want  to  thank  you. 

AND  TO  ask  you. 

*  *    * 

IF  SOMETIME. 

WHEN  YOU  see  the  leader. 

OF  THE  orchestra. 

*  *    * 

IF  YOU'LL  ask  him. 

*  *    * 

IF  HE  can^play. 
"THE  LILLY  Waltz." 
I  HAVEN'T  heard  it. 
FOR  THIRTY  years. 
WE  USED  to  play  it. 
ON  A  little  organ. 
BACK  HOME. 
IN  CANADA,, 
AND  I'VE  always  wanted. 
TO  HEAR^  it^played. 

ON  SOMETHING. 

*  *    » 

THAT  DIDN'T  wheeze. 

*  *    * 

THERE  WAS  a  note. 

*  *    * 

IN  OUR  organ. 

*         *         * 

THAT  JpSTJnhaled. 

OR  SOMETHING. 

*  *    * 

YOU  COULDN'T  hear  it. 
BUT  WE  didn't  care. 


WE'D  SIT  around. 
ON  WINTER  nights. 
AND  SOMEBODY'D  play. 
AND  A  lot^of  the  roughness. 

THAT  WE'D  take  in. 

*  *    * 

DURING  THE  day. 
WOULD  OOZE  out. 

AND  WHEN  it  was  time. 

*  *    * 

TO  GO  to  bed. 

FATHER  WOULD  pat  us. 

ON  THE  back. 

AND  SAY* 

*  *    * 

"GOODNIGHT,  my  boy." 
AND  WE'D  be  glad. 
AND  MR.  Kahn. 

I'VE  ALWAYS  thought. 

*  *    * 

THAT  IF  some  day. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS  rich. 

*  *    * 

I'D  HIRE  an  orchestra. 

*  *    * 

AND  HAVE  it  play. 
"THE  LILI/T  Waltz." 

AND  THE  old  things. 

*  *    * 

BUT  I  got  started. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  wrong  business. 

AND  I  can't  do  it. 

*  #    * 

AND  IF  the  leader. 

»    *    * 

DOESN'T  KNOW  it. 

*  *    * 

I'LL  COME  around. 

*  *    * 

AND  HUM  it  for  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  IF  he  doesn't  want. 
TO  PLAY^it  jail. 
IF  HE'LL  just  play  the  part. 
THAT  HAS  the  note  in  it. 

THAT  WHEEZED. 

*  *    * 

IN  OUR  organ. 

*  *    * 

I'LL  BE  much  obliged. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


A  BOY  of  18. 

*  *    * 

WHOM^I  used  to  know. 
WHEN  HE  toddled  around. 

IN  RAIN. 

*  *    * 

AND  SUN. 

*  #    » 

AND  HAVE  watched  grow  up. 

WALKED  INTO  the  Moore. 

*  »  -  * 

THE  OTHER  night. 
WITH  A  girl^at  his  side. 

AND  HE  bowed  and  scraped. 

*  *    * 

IN  SUCH  a  way. 

*  *    • 

THAT  I  said  to  myself. 

*  *    * 

HE'S  SURE  hit  hard. 

*  #    * 

AND  FELL  to  thinking. 

*  *    * 

OF  BOYHOOD  days. 

*  *     * 

WHEN  I  took  Nell. 

*         *         * 

TO  THE  old  town  hall. 

*•         *         * 

TO  SEE  Little  Eva. 

*  #    * 

AND  UNCLE  Tom. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  hounds. 
AND  PLAYSJike  that. 
AND  WENT  to  my  seat. 

AND  FOUND. 

*  *    * 

THAT  I  sat  behind. 

*  #         * 

MY  SCHOOLBOY  friend. 

*  *     » 

AND      I     watched     him      closely 
through  the  play. 

AND  BELIEVE  me,  folks. 

*  #         * 

IF  EVER  you  saw. 

»,-•»• 

A  BEAU  who  never  forgot  a  thing. 

*  *     » 

IT  WAS  this  boy  of  mine. 

»»'•*• 

AND  THE  play  was  through. 
AND  THE#  lights  went  up. 


AND  I  looked  at  the  girl. 

»••*.» 

AND  WHAT  do  you  think! 

*  *    * 

IT  WASN'T  a  girl  at  all. 

IT  WAS  just  his  "Mother  Mine." 

AND  HE  took  her  arm. 

*  *    * 

AND  AWAY^they  tripped. 

FOR  A  sup. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  bite  to  eat. 

*  »    • 

AND  I  was  glad. 
»    *    * 

AND  WHISTLED  a  song. 

*  *    * 

AND   GOT  on  a  bumpy  Summit 

car. 

*  »    » 

AND  SPOKE  to  a  man. 

*  »    # 

I  DIDNT^know. 

AND  GOT  out. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  glow. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  bright  moonlight. 

AND  WHISTLED  some  more. 

*  *    * 

AND  CLIMBED  the  hill. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAID  to  my  wife. 

*  *    * 

AS  I  entered  the  house: 

*  *    * 

"YOU  KNOW  little  Henry. 

*  *    * 

"WHO  USED  to  live. 

"NEXT  DOOR  to  us?" 

*  *    * 

AND  SHE^said  yes. 

AND  I  said:  "Well, 

*  *    » 

"IF  WE  had  a  girl. 

*  *     * 

"THERE'S  THE  kind  of  a  boy. 

*  *    * 

"I'D  LIKE  to  have  for  a  son-in- 
law." 

*  *    * 

AND  SHE^said: 

"WHAT   HAVE  you  been   doing 
out  so  late?" 

*         *         * 

JUST  LIKE  a  woman! 

"TTHANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


ARCHIBALD  M.  CAMPBELL. 

A  SCOTCHMAN. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  printer. 
**^  *    » 

SON  OF  Archibald  L.  Campbell. 

A  SCOTCHMAN. 

*  *    » 

AND  A  printer. 

COAXED  ME. 

*  #    » 

ONTO  THE  rear  seat. 

*  *    * 

OF  A  motorcycle. 

AND  PULLED  something. 

AND    SOMETHING    underneath 
me. 

EXPLODED. 

*  *    * 

AND  ALL  the  houses. 

*  »    » 

BEGAN  TO  run  together. 

INTO  LONG  rows. 

*  *    * 

OF  TERRACES. 
AND  AUTOMOBILES. 

SHOT  UP. 

»    *    • 

OUT  OF  the  pavement. 

*  *    # 

AND  WENT  back. 

*  *    * 

AND  MEN  and  women. 

*  *    * 

AND  CHILDREN. 

*  *  * 

AND  DOGS.  ^ 

BOBBED  UP. 

*  *  * 

AND  WERE^destroyed. 
BY  THE  bombs. 

WE  WERE  throwing. 

*  *    * 

OR  SOMETHING. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  opened  my  mouth. 

TO  SPEAK. 

*  *    » 

AND  THE  wmd. 
NEARLY  BLEW  me. 

INSIDE  OUT. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  closed^  it. 
AND  PRAYED. 


FOR  SOMETHING  to  happen. 

THAT  WOULD  kill  Archie. 

*    *    » 

AND  LEAVE  me. 
AND 


TO  GET  my  knife. 

*  *    * 

TO  STABJiim. 
IN  THE  back. 

AND  WE  hit  something. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHENCE  came  down. 

ARCHIE  HAD  gone. 

*  *    * 

WITH  MY  seat. 

AND  I  landed. 

*  »    * 

ON  A  concrete  base. 

*  *    * 

THAT  DIDNT  give. 

AN  INCH. 

*  *    * 

AND  MADE  a  noise. 

*  *    * 

LIKE  A  pi.g.  # 

AND  HOWARD  THOMAS. 

»    *    * 

CAME  OUT  ^of  his  house. 

ACROSS  THE  road. 

*  *    • 

FROM  THE  Country  Club. 

AND  SAID: 

*  *    » 

"WHAT'SJTHE  matter?" 
AND  I  .said  -.^ 

"I  CAME  this  far. 

*  *    * 

"WITH  A  friend. 

*  *    * 

"WHO  HAS  to  be  in  Bellingham. 

"IN  AN  hour." 

AND  HOWARD  said: 

"HE'LL  HAVE  to  go  some." 

*  *    * 

AND  I  said:  ^ 

"HE  IS; 

"HE'S  THERE  now." 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


ON  SATURDAY  noon. 
I  TOOK  my  grip. 

AND  SAID  good-bye. 

*  *     * 

TO  MY  wife. 

*  *    * 

AND  WENT  down. 

*  #    * 

TO  THE  Coleman  dock. 

AND  GOT  aboard. 

*  *  '  • 

THE  TACOMA. 

AND  SAT^down. 

AND  MOPPED  my  brow. 

AND  LOOKED  around. 

*         *         * 

AND  MADE^a  mistake. 
AND  SMILED  at  a  child. 

THAT  WAS  all  stuck  up. 

*  *    * 

WITH  CANDY. 

AND  FLIES.* 

*  *    • 

AND  IT  looked  at  me. 

FOR  A  little  while. 

*  *    * 

AND  THEN  came  over. 

AND  HUNG  around. 

*  *     * 

AND  CLIMBED  on  my  lap. 

AND  PUT  its  hand. 

*  *    * 

IN  A  sack. 

*  *    * 

AND  PULLED  out. 

*  *    * 

A  LOT  of  caramels. 

*  *    * 

RUN  TOGETHER. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  said  to  myself. 

"I'LL  CHOKE  it. 

*  *    * 

"BEFORE^FLL  touch  them.' 

AND  I  looked  over. 

*  *    * 

AT  ITS  mother. 

*  »    * 

AND  SHE^was  warm. 

AND  TIRED! 

AND  HAD  a  J)aby. 
IN  HER  lap.  * 


AND  IT  was^sleepy. 

AND  FRETTY. 

*  *    * 

AND  WRIGGLY. 

AND  SHE  looked  at  me. 

*  *    # 

AND  SMILED. 

*  *       *  X 

AND  I  looked  at  the  caramels. 

*  *    * 

AND  BACK  at  the  mother. 

»    »   •• 

AND  AT  the  caramels  again. 

AND  TOOJK  them. 

AND  STRETCHED  them. 

AND  TWISTED  them. 

*  *    * 

AND  GOT  all  stuck  up. 

*  *    * 

AND  MESSY. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE.  kid  laughed. 

AND  THE  mother  smiled. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  smiled. 

*  #    * 

AND  WE  Balked. 

ABOUT  THE  heat. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHERE  we  came  from. 

*  *    » 

AND  WHERE:  we  were  going. 

BEFORE  WE  died. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  whistle  blew. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  got  to  Tacoma. 

AND  MOTHER  took  hers. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  took  mine. 

*  *     * 

AND  WE  climbed  the  stairs. 

*  #    * 

AND  I  put  mine  down. 

*  *     * 

AND  SAID  good-bye. 
AND  WENT^with  Edgers. 

TO  ANOTHER  boat. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAT  down. 

*  *    » 

AND  MINDED  my  own  business. 
UNTIL  #WE  got  to  Fox  Island. 

BELIEVE  ME  I  did. 

*  *    * 

I  NEVER  looked  at  a  soul. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


I'D  JUST  sat^down. 

TO  WRITE  something. 

*  *    * 

FOR  TUESDAY'S  paper. 

*  *    * 

AND  HAD  lighted  a  cigarette. 

*  »    * 

THAT  HAD  been  sent  me. 

*  *    * 

BECAUSE  I'D  mentioned  Dobbs 

Ferry. 

*  «    »  » 

IN  MY  column. 

»     *    » 

AND  I  had  an  idea. 

*  *    » 

TO  WORK  on. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  was^qujte  sure. 

IT  WAS  going  to  be  good. 

AND  THE^telephone  rang. 

AND  I  answered  it. 
«     *    * 

AND  A  voice  said: 

*  *    * 

"THIS  IS  Jim. 

"AND  IT'S  a  girl. 

*  *    * 

"AND  IT  weighs  six  pounds. 

"AND  EVERYBODY'S  fine. 

*  *    * 

"I'M  DOWNSTAIRS. 

*  *    * 

"AND  FM  Doming  up." 
AND  HE  did; 
AND  HE'S^here  now. 

AND  HE  isn't  shaved. 

*  »    * 

AND  HE'S^  sleepy. 

AND  HE  looks  to  me. 

*  *    * 

LIKE  HE'D  been  up  all  night. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE'S  worried. 

*  *    • 

FOR  FEAR  they'll  mix  it  up. 
AT  THE  hospital. 
HE  SAW  a  lot  of  them. 
IN  A  little  room. 

AND  HE'S  waiting  for  me. 

*  *    * 

TO  GET  through. 

*  *    * 

AND  GO  up  to  the  hospital. 


AND  SEE  it. 

»     »    » 

AND  HE'S  just  asked  me. 

*  *    * 

IF  I  have  an  indelible  pencil. 

*  »    * 

I  THINK  he's  going  to  mark  it. 
OR  SOMETHING. 

AND,  ANYWAY. 

*  *    * 

WHATEVER  IT  was. 

»     *    * 

I  WAS  going  to  write. 

I'VE  FORGOTTEN. 

*  *    » 

AND  I'VE  tried  to  tell  him. 

*  *    * 

IF  HE  keeps  on  talking. 
I'LL  NEVER^get  through. 

AND  HE'S  quiet  now. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE'S  gone  to  sleep. 
«     *    * 

IN  A  big  chair. 

*  »    » 

AND  I'VE  thrown  away. 

*  *    * 

MY  CIGARETTE. 

*  *    * 

AND  I'VE^lighted  my  pipe. 

AND  WATCHED  the  smoke. 

*  *    * 

AS  IT  curls  its  way. 

*  »    » 

THROUGH  A  window  top. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHEREVER  it  goes. 

*  *    * 

IT'S  TAKING  a  prayer. 

*  *    * 

FOR  HER. 

»     *    » 

AND  FOR  Jim. 

*  »    » 

AND  THE^baby  girl. 

AND  JIM. 

*  *    » 

IF  HE  dreams. 

*  *    * 

AS  HE  sleeps,. 

IN  MY  chair. 

»     *    » 

HAS  A  new  dreamland. 

*  #    * 

FOR  HIS  wanderings. 

AND  HE'S  awake  now. 

»     «    * 

AND  I'VE  got  to  go. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


SOME  DAY. 

*  *        * 

I'M  GOING  to  get  a  head  of  lettuce. 

AND  SOME  vinegar. 

*  *     * 

AND  SOMEjsugar. 
AND  A  little  bit  of  pepper. 

AND  A  little  bit  of  salt. 

*  #    * 

AND  I'M  going  over  to  Brooklyn. 
TO  PROSPECT  Park. 

WHERE  IT'S  quiet. 

*  *    * 

AND  LOSE  myself. 

IN  SOME  shrubbery. 

*  #    * 

AND  PUT^  the  vinegar. 

AND  THE  sugar. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  pepper  and  salt. 

ON  THE  lettuce. 

*  #    * 

AND  EAT  it. 
FOR  FOUR  nights. 
WE'VE^ET  out. 

WITH  FRIENDS. 

*  *    * 

AND  EACH  friend. 

*  *    * 

MADE  A  different  salad. 

*  *    * 

AND  IF  there's  anything. 

ANYWHERE  IN  the  world. 

*  *    » 

THAT  ISN'T^  marked  "Poison." 

WHEN  YOU  buy  it. 

*  *    # 

THAT  I  haven't  et. 

I'LL  EAT  it. 

*  »   .« 

IF  YOU  can  find  it. 

*  *    * 

IT  SEEMS  to  me. 

*  *    * 

THAT  THE  chief  aim. 

OF  A  lot  of  women. 

*  *    * 

IS  TO  invent  a.  salad. 

AND  SIT  down. 

*  *    * 

AT  A  dinner  table. 

*  *    * 

AND  NAG  at  their  guests. 
TILL  THEY*eat  it. 


AND  YOU  nibble  at  it. 

AND  TRY  to  look  pleased. 

*  *    « 

AND  SAY^to^your  wife. 

"MY  DEAR.  ^ 

"REALLY^ 

"YOU  MUST^get  the  receipt. 

"FOR  THIS  salad. 

*  *    * 

"IT'S  DELICIOUS." 

*  *    * 

AND  YOUR  hostess  looks  at  you. 

*  »    * 

AND  MAKES  up  her  mind. 

YOU'RE  THE  best  writer. 

*  *    * 

OR  THE  best  painter. 
»    *    * 

OR  THE  greatest  shoe  salesman. 
OR  WHATEVER  you  are. 
IN  THE  world. 

AND  AFTER  that. 

*  #    * 

SHE  WATCHES  you. 

*  *    * 

LIKE  A  hawk. 

AND  YOU  eat  the  salad. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  almost  chokes  you. 

BUT  YOU  eat  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  ON  the  way  home. 

*  *    * 

YOU  SAY  to  your  wife. 

*  #    * 

"OF  ALL  the  rotten  stuff. 

"I  EVER  ate. 

»     *    # 

"IT  WAS  that  salad. 
"OF  MRS.^Brown's." 

OR  WHOEVER  she  was. 

*  *     # 

AND  THE  next  night. 

*  *    * 

YOU  GO  out  again. 

AND  LIE. 

*  *    * 

AND  EAT  more  salad. 

*  *    » 

AND  AFTER  a  while. 

»    *    # 

YOU  DIE. 

*  *    » 

OF  SALADITIS. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IRVIN  S.  Cobb. 

*  •        • 

CITY. 

MY  DEAR  Irv. 

YOU  REMEMBER. 

»    *    * 

IN  ST.  Louis. 

»    *    » 

AT  THE   Convention. 

*  «    * 

WHENJE  started  to  tell  you. 
ABOUT  A^ story. 

I'D  WRITTEN. 

»    »    » 

AND  A  man  went  through. 
TO  THE  b*ar.* 

WITH  A  basket  of  mint. 

*  *    * 

AND  YOU  lost  your  hearing. 

OR  SOMETHING. 

*  *    » 

I  DONT  know. 

*  »    » 

BUT  I  wanted  to  tell  you. 
THAT  ONE  time. 

I  WROTE*a  story. 

»    *    * 

WITH  A  blond  heroine. 

*  »    » 

AND  A  ^mortgage. 

AND  A  hero.* 

*  *    * 

AND  EVERYTHING. 

AND  READ  it. 

*  *    » 

AND  IT  was  so  pathetic. 
IF  I  hadn't  known. 
IT  WASN'T  true. 

IDA  CRIE*D.* 

*  *    * 

AND  I  had  a  friend. 

*  *    * 

WHO  REVIEWED  books. 
ON  THE  paper. 
AND  I  gave  it  to  him. 

AND  TOLD  him. 

*  *    * 

ALL  I  wanted. 

*  *    » 

WAS  THE^  truth. 
AND  NOT^be  afraid. 
OF  MY^  feelings. 

AND  ANYWAY. 

*  *    » 


WHAT  THAT  guy  knows. 
ABOUT^SHORT  stories. 
HE  COULD  put  in  his  eye. 

AND  I  had  it  done  over. 

*  *    * 

BY  A  stenographer. 

FOR  THREE  dollars. 

*  *    * 

AND  MAILED  it. 

TO  THE  Post. 

*  *    » 

AND  THEY  must  have  known. 
IT  WAS  coming. 

OR  SOMETHING. 

*  *    * 

AND  SENT  somebody. 
TO  STOPjt* 
AND  SEND  it  back. 
AND  ryE*stffl  got  it. 
AND  I  wanted  to  know. 

IF  YOU  could  tell  me. 

*  *    * 

WHERE  1^  could  sell  it. 

FOR  THREE  dollars. 

*  *    * 

ALL  I  want. 

*  •    • 

IS  THE  money  back. 
I  PAID^the  stenographer. 
IT'S  PERFECTLY  good. 

AND  WELL  written. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  best  paper. 

*  »    *  ^ 

EXCEPT  THERE'S  a  blur. 
ON  THE  last  page. 
WHERE  THE  stenographer  cried. 
WHEN^SHE^was  writing  it. 

IT'S  SO  sa*d.  * 

*  *    » 

AND  BEAUTIFUL. 

AT  THE  end. 

*  *    » 

SHE  COULDN'T  stand  it. 
I'VE  GOT^three  copies. 

AND  I'LL  sell  one. 

*  *    * 

FOR  THREE  dollars. 

OR  THREE.  * 

*  *    * 

FOR  A  dollar  each. 

TTHANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


I  MADE  a^  imstake. 

AND  WALKED  by  the  Broadway 
high. 

WITH  MY  yellow  gloves. 

AND  STICK.* 

*  *    * 

AND  ONE  young  man  said: 

"WELL,  WELL,  see  who's  here!" 

*  *    * 

AND  ANOTHER  said: 
"AS  I 


"NOBODY    BUT    Al    Jolson,    of 
The^  Honeymoon  Express.'  " 

AND  A  third  whispered. 

*  *    * 

AND  YOU  could  have  heard  him 
in  Ballard: 

#         #         # 

"WELL;  IF  he  ain't  out  again!" 

AND  I  got  through  the  crowd. 

*  *    * 

AND  HENRY  KYER  came  along. 
IN  HIS*car.  * 

AND  PICKED  me  up. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  said  to  him. 
"HENRY,  YOU'RE  in  luck. 

"HAVING*  A  *car. 

*  *    * 

"IF    YOU    ever    walked    by    the 
Broadway  high. 

"WITH     THOSE     clothes     and 
gloves  of  yours. 

"THEY'D  *PICK  you  up. 
"AND  TAKE  you  over. 

"AND  THROW  you  in  the  reser- 
voir." 

*  »    • 

AND  HE  wanted  to  know  what  I 
was  talking  about 

*  *    * 

AND  I  told  him. 
»    *    * 

AND  WE^grew  indignant. 
AND  ROASTED  the  parents. 

WHO  LET  their  boys  grow  up 
like  that. 


AND  WONDERED   what   would 

happen. 

*  •    • 

WHEN  JTHE^  coming  generation. 

GREW  UP. 

*  •    • 

AND  TALKED  about  ourselves. 

WHEN  WE  were  boys. 

*  *    « 

AND  OUR  parents. 

*  *  ** 

AND  HOW  we  were  taught. 

*  *    * 

TO  RESPECT  our  elders. 
AND  WANDERED  along. 
IN  PATHS*.    ] 
TROD  YEARS  ago. 

AND  LAUGHED. 

*  *    * 

ABOUT  THE  fun  we  had  as  boys. 

AND  I  recalled  the  time. 

*  *    * 

THAT  THE  first  silk  hat. 

*  *    * 

CAME  TO  our  town. 

*  *    * 

AND  HOW  we  got  behind  a  barn. 
AND  THREW  snowballs  at  it. 
AND  HENRY  told. 

HOW  HE  bored  a  hole. 

*  *    * 

IN  AN  old  man's  boat. 
AND  IT  sank. 

AND  THE  old  man. 

*  »    * 

HAD  TO  wade  ashore. 

»    »    » 

AND  WE  laughed  and  laughed. 
AND  GOT^to^the  P.-I.  office. 
AND  I  got  out. 
AND  WENT* upstairs. 

AND    TELEPHONED    to    Supt. 
Cooper. 

AND   COMPLAINED  about  the 
Broadway  boys. 

AND  HE  promised  to  look  into  it. 
I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


HE  WAS  well  dressed. 

*  *    * 

AND  POLITE. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  shook  hands. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  hopped. 

HE  WASN'T^  bothering  me. 

AND  HE  wasn't. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  was  so  glad. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAT#down. 

AND  WANTED  to  tell  me. 

THAT  HE*'D*read. 

*  *    * 

WHATJ'D  been  writing. 
IN  THE  American. 

AND  HE  Hke*d  it. 

*  *    * 

IT  WAS  so  human. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  coujdn't  rest. 

TILL  HE'D  seen  me. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  ]iked  him. 

I'M  LIKE  an  actor. 

*  *     * 

I'M  NEVER  too  busy. 
TO  TALK  to  people. 

ABOUT  MYSELF. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  told  him. 

*  *    * 

A  LOT  of  things. 

*  *    * 

ABOUT  MYSELF. 

#         #        * 

THAT  HE  didn't  know. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  said  "really." 

*  *    * 

AND  "REMARKABLE." 

*  *    * 

AND  I  could  have  sat  there. 

*  *     * 

THE  REST  of  the  day. 

*  *    * 

TILL  HE  went  in  his  pocket. 

FOR  A  little  book. 

*  #    * 

AND  I  heard  him  saying. 

*  *    * 

THAT  HIS  company. 
HAD  WRITTEN  policies. 

FOR  NEARLY  all. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  bjg^est  men. 
AND  HERE  was  a  policy. 


FOR  $,5.   .    . 
AND  IF  I  got  sick. 

»        *        * 

I'D  GET  paid 

AND  BETTER  still. 

*  *    * 

IF  I  was  killed. 

*  *    » 

IN  AN  Accident. 
THEY'D  PAY  my  widow, 
TEN  THOUSAND  dollars. 
AND  I  tried  to  get  rid  of  him. 

AND  I  couldn't. 

*  »    » 

HE  WAS  the  freshest  guy. 

I  EVER  saw. 

*  *    * 

HE  WOULDN'T  go. 

*  »    » 

AND  IF  I  wanted. 

*  *    » 

I  COULD  pa^  $50. 

AND  GET^twenty  thousand. 

IF  I  was  killed. 

«    *    •» 

AND  THEN  he  told  me. 
ABOUT^man. 

THAT  WAS  killed. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  same  day. 

*  *    » 

HE  GOT  his  ^policy. 

AND  HE  said. 

*  '-,*•« 

THERE     WERE     thousands     of 
ways. 

OF  GETTING  killed. 
AND  ALMOST  promised. 
IF  I  took  a  policy. 

THAT  I'D  be  killed. 

»    »    » 

BEFORE  ITjexpired. 

AND  I  told  him. 

*  *    * 

I  DIDN^T  want  any  money. 
IF  I  had  to  be  killed. 

TO  GET  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  I'D  sooner  live. 

*  *    » 

AND  NOT^  have  so  much. 
AT  ONE  time. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IT'S  A  silly  story. 
AND  I,hate  to  tell  it. 
YOU'LL  THINK  I'm  foolish. 

AND  I'M  not. 

»*..-• 

AND  HERE  it  is. 

YOU  KNOW  Jean  Knott. 

«    »    » 

WHO  DRAWS  "Penny  Ante." 

»    »    • 

IN  THE  American? 
JEAN  HAS  a^  friend. 

WHO'S  A  friend  of  mine. 

*  »    » 

O.  O.  Mclntyre. 

*  *    * 

WHO  LIVES  up  town. 
AT  THE  Majestic  Hotel. 
AND  THE  other  night. 
THEY  COULDN'T  find  anybody. 

TO  PLAY  with. 

*  *    » 

AND  THEY  played  "show  down." 

AND  KEPT  books. 

*  #    » 

ON  A  table-cloth. 

AND  WHEN  they  finished. 

*  *    * 

JEAN  HAD  lost. 

*  *    * 

FOUR  DOLLARS  and  something. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  was^  Monday. 
AND  TUESDAY'S  pay  day. 

AND  MAC  waited. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  next  day. 

*  *    « 

JEAN  SHOWED  up. 
WITH  THE^money. 
AND  THEY'D  forgotten. 
HOW  MUCH  it  was. 

AND  THEY  couldn't  tell. 

*  *    * 

BECAUSE^  SOME  one. 
HAD  TAKEN  away. 

THE  TABLE-CLOTH. 

*  *    * 

AND  THEY  went  down  stairs. 

*  *    * 

TO  THE  laundry. 

AND  THE  man  told  them. 

IT  WAS  in  a  tub. 


WITH  A  lot  more. 

AND  THEY  waited. 

*  *    * 

TILL  THEY^were  washed. 
AND  JEAN  said. 

"LET'S  SEARCH  around. 
»    *    * 

"IN  THE  tub. 

*  *  » 

"FOR  THE  figures." 

AND  FOUND  a  2. 

*  *  * 

AND  THEN  a  9. 

*  *  *  * 

AND  THEN  a  4. 

*  *  « 

AND  JEAN  took  them. 
»    *    » 

AND  LAID  them  out. 

ON  A  table. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    • 

"IT'S  $2;49; 
"I  OWE  you/' 

AND  MACK  took  them. 

*  *    * 

AND  CHANGED  them  around. 

AND  SAID. 

»    »    * 

"IT  SEEMS  to  me. 
"IT  WAS  $9-42." 
AND  AFTER  a  while. 
THEY  COMPROMISED. 

AT  $4.92. ; ; 

AND  JEAN  paid. 

AND  THAT'S  the  story. 

»    *    * 

AS  IT  was  told  me. 

*  *    * 

BY  A  friend  of  mine. 

WHO  WORKS  in  the  laundry. 

AT  THE  Majestic. 

*  «    * 

AND  IF  you  want  to  believe  it. 

ALL  RIGHT.* 

*  *    * 

I  DON'T. 

I  TRIED  it.  * 

*  »    # 

ON  A  table  napkin. 

*  *    * 

AND  LOST  $^5.00. 
IN  THE  wash  bowl. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


SOME  DAY% 

WHEN  IT  isn't  so  hot. 

*  *    * 

AS  IT  was  Saturday. 

I'M  GOING  to  start  out. 

*  *    * 

FOR  A  walk 

AND  WITH  my  cane. 

IN  MY  right  hand. 

AND  MY  life. 

*  *    * 

IN  MY  left  hand. 

*  »    * 

I'M  GOING  to  try. 

*  *      * 

TO  CROSS  the  street. 

*  #    * 

AT  A  corner. 

*  »    » 

WHERE  THERE  isn't  a  cop. 

»    *    » 

AND  SOME  fellow. 

*  »    » 

DRIVING  A  horse. 

»    *    * 

IS  GOING  to  see  me. 

*  *    * 

AND  POINT  me  out. 

»    »    * 

TO  THE  horse. 

*  *    * 

AND  CHASED  me. 

AND  LAUGH. 

*  *    » 

AND  FM  going  to  reach  up. 
WITH  THE  jcane. 

WHICH  HAS  a  crook. 

*  *    * 

LIKE  A  shepherd. 

»»•-•• 

AND  GET  the  fellow. 

*  *    * 

BY  THE  neck. 

*  *    * 

AND  DRAG  him  off. 

AND  INTO  an  alley. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE'RE#  going  to  stay  there. 

FOR  A  little  while. 

*  *    * 

AND  ALL^the  people. 

FOR  BLOCKS  around. 

*  *    * 

ARE  GOING^to  be  there. 

TO  SEE  it 

AND  WHEN  we're  through. 

SOMEBODY. 


IS  GOING  to  telephone. 

*  *    * 

FOR  AN  ambulance. 

*  *    * 

AND  ONE  of  us. 

#        *        # 

IS  GOING  to  be  placed. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  little  couch. 

ON  THE  inside. 

*  *    * 

AND  CARRIED  away. 

*  *    * 

TO  THE  hospital. 

AND  WHEN*  he's  gone. 

*  *    * 

I'M  GOING  to  get  up. 

ON  A  box. 

*  *    » 

AND  TELL  the  crowd. 

WHY  I  did  it. 

*  *    » 

AND  THEY'RE  going  to  cheer. 

AND  PAT  me  on  the  back. 

*  *    * 

AND  IF  they^  don't  break  it. 
THEY'RE  AGOING  to  lift  me  up. 
ON  THEIR  shoulders. 

AND    WE'RE    going    to    have    a 

parade. 

*  *    * 

DOWNJFIFTH  avenue. 

AND  AFTER  it's  over. 

*  *    » 

I'M  GOING  to  call. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  District  Attorney. 

AND  TELL  him  about  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHERE  the  other  fellow  is. 

AND  EVERYTHING. 

*  *    » 

AND  HE'S  going  to  let  me  go. 
AND  AFTER%hat. 
I'M  GOING  back. 
TO  THE  al!<gr. 
WHERE  IT  happened. 

AND  GET  my  cane. 

*  *    * 

AND  GO  home. 
«    *    « 

AND  BRUSH  my  clothes. 
AND  GO  eat* 


I  THANK 


you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IT  WAS  a  nice  suit 

AND  I  liked  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  said  to  the  clerk. 

*  »    * 

"I'D  LIKE  a  suit. 

»    »    » 

"LIKE  THE^gray  one. 
"IN  THE  window. 

"IF  YOU  can  fit  me." 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  goMt 

AND  HURRIED  me  in. 

*  •    * 

TO  A  lower  berth. 

STANDING  UP. 

*  »    « 

AND  I  puHtjon. 
I  MEAN  the  suit. 

AND  CAM*E  out 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  stood  me  up. 

*  »    • 

IN  FRONT  of  a  mirror. 
AND  PICKED  at  me. 
AND  SMOOTHED  the  collar. 
AND  PATTE*D  me. 

AND  STOOD  away. 

*  *    * 

AND  LOOKED  at  me. 
AND  SAID. 
"IT'S  A*perfect  fit 
"LOOK-IN  the  mirror." 
AND  I  did. 

AND  IT  was.* 

*  »    • 

AND  I  took  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  next  day. 

IT  WAS  delivered. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  puHt^on. 

AND  LOOKED  at  it 

*  »    » 

AND  SAID  to  my  wife. 
"SOMETHING'S  HAPPENED. 

"SINCE  YESTERDAY. 

*  *    * 

"I'M  A  different  shape. 
"I  MUST  have  the  pip. 

"OR  SOMETHING." 

*  *    * 


AND  MY  wife  said. 
"IT  MAY  be  [the  coat." 
AND  I  said.   ] 

"IT  CANT  be  the  coat. 

*  *    » 

"BECAUSE  YESTERDAY. 

"IT  WAS  a  perfect  fit." 

AND  ANYWAY. 

I  TOOK  it#back. 

AND  SAID  to  the  clerk. 

"I'M  SORRY* 

*  *    « 

"I'VE  GOT  to  bother  you. 
"BUT  I'VE  had  an  accident. 
"I  SEEM  to  have  shrunk. 
"OR  SOMETHING. 
"AND  I'LL,  have  to  have. 

"A  DIFFERENT  coat." 

»    *    * 

AND  HE  opened  the  box. 
AND  TOOK  jthe  coat. 
AND  PUTJt^on  me. 
AND  PICKED  at  it. 

AND  SMOOTHED  the  collar. 

»    •    • 

AND  PATTED  me. 

»    •    » 

AND  TURNED  me  around. 

AND  I  looked. 

*  »    * 

AND  IT  was  a  perfect  fit 

AND  I  sneezed. 

*  *    # 

AND  IT  settled  down. 

*  *    » 

SO  YOU  could  see. 
MY  COLLAR  button. 
IN  THE  back. 
AND  THE#  clerk  took  it. 
AND  FIXED  Jt  again. 
AND  SAID.  ] 
"IT'LL  fit  all  right. 
"IF  YOU'LL*be  quiet. 
"IT  AIN'Ta'sport  suit." 


I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IT  WAS  on  Broadway. 

NEAR  FORTY-THIRD  street. 

*  *    * 

AND  THERE  was  a  ladder. 

*  *    » 

AGAINST  ^A  Building. 
AND  I  tried  to  go  around  it. 

AND  THERE  was  a  lady. 

«    »    » 

SHE  GOT^injny  way. 
AND  I  went  under  it. 

I  MEAN  the  ladder. 

*  *    * 

AND  HIT  jm^  hat  on  it. 

AND  KNOCKED  it  off. 

»  »  » 

AND  BROKE  the  rim. 

AND  WENT  downstairs. 

*  *    * 

TO  THE  subway. 
AND  GOT^on  a  local. 
AND  TRANSFERRED. 

AT  FORTY-SECOND. 

»    *    * 

TO  AN  express. 

AND  CAUGHT  my  cane. 

BETWEEN  THE  car. 

*  »    » 

AND  THE  platform. 

AND  BROKE  it. 

AND  WENT^  downtown. 

AND  GOT^out 

AT  BROOKLYN  Bridge. 

AND  WAS  chased. 

»    *    * 

ACROSS  THE  street. 

BY  A  Ford. 

*  *    » 

AND  GOT  to  the  office. 
AND  F9UND  a  letter. 

FROM  RELATIVES. 

*  *    * 

WHO  SAID.  ^ 

THEY    WERE    coming    to    New 

York.   ^ 

TO  VISIT^us; 

AND  WE'RE  living. 

*  *    # 

AT  A  hotel. 


AND  HAVE  only  been  here. 
TWO  WEEKS. 
THEY  LOST  no  time. 
AND  LEFT  the  office. 

*  *         * 

AND  GOT^on  a  Broadway  car. 
ON  THE  same  seat. 
WITH  THREE  large  men. 

AND  WENT  a  block. 

*  »    * 

AND  AT  the^next  corner. 
PICKED  UP  Tim  Frawley. 
AND  THE#  sip  said. 
THERE^  WAS  room  for  five. 
ON  THE  seat. 

AND  TIM  read  it. 

*  »    * 

AND  BELIEVED  it. 

AND  TRIED]  it. 

AND  SAT  do*wn. 

»    »    » 

AND  ALL^the  way  up. 
TO  FORTY-THIRD  street. 
THE  BACK  of  his  neck. 
WAS  RIGHT  in  my  face. 
AND  IT'S*a  {arge  neck. 

AND  FAT. 

*  »    * 

AND  WE  got  off  the  car. 
AND  I  bought  a  paper. 
AND  OPENED  it. 
AND  THE]  inside. 

BLEW  AWAY. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  spent  another  penny. 
AND  IT  isn't  the  penny. 

so  MUCH! 

AS  BREAKING  a  nickel. 

*  *         # 

TO  GET  it. 

*  »    * 

AND  WHEN^you  break  a  nickel. 
BLEUIE!  * 

IT'S  GONE.  * 

*  *    * 

I  HAD  a  bad  day. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


EVERYWHERE. 

*  »        » 

IN  A  large^city. 

THERE  ARE  so  many  people. 

AND  YOU'RE  a  stranger. 

*  *    * 

AND  YOU  walk  around. 

«    *    * 

AND  NOBODY  speaks  to  you. 
AND  YOU'RE  lonesome. 

AND  YOU  wouldn't  care. 

«    *    * 

IF  ONE  of  those  pests. 

YOU'VE  KNOWN. 

WOULD  SLAP  you  on  the  back. 

AND  BREAK  it. 

*  *    » 

SO  LONG  as  he'd  call  you. 

BY  YOUR  name. 

*  *    # 

AND  YOU  see  a  lot  of  people. 
IN  THE  Hotel  Astor. 

AND  YOU  go  in. 

*  *    * 

AND  LOOK^at  their  badges. 
AND  THEY'RE  piano  dealers. 

HAVING  A  convention. 

*  *    » 

AND  YOU  hear  a  page. 
CALLING^OUT  names. 
AND  YOU'RE  lonesome. 
AND  YOU  go  to  a  telephone. 

IN  A  booth. 

*  »    » 

AND  GET^the  exchange. 

OF  THE  Hotel  Astor. 

*  *    * 

AND  ASK^  for  yourself. 
AND  THEN  Dhurry  out. 
INTO  THE  lobby. 

AND  WAIT/ 

*  »    • 

AND  IN  a^  little  while. 
YOU  HEAR^a  boy. 

CALLING]  YOUR  name. 

AND  YOU  let  him  call  it. 


FOR  A  long  time. 

*  *    • 

AND  THEN  make  signs. 

*  *    » 

WITH  YOUR  hands. 

»    *    » 

AND  HE  comes  over. 

•'*'-» 

AND  HE'S  being  followed. 

*  *    * 

BY  A  piano  dealer. 
»    *    * 

FROM  A  town. 

WHERE  YOU  used  to  live. 

#        #        # 

AND  HE  grabs  you. 
AND  TRIES  ^to  tell  you. 
THAT  YOU  owe  him  money. 

ON  A  piano. 

*  *    * 

AND  YOU  know  you  don't. 
YOU  KNOW^you  paid  him. 
BUT  HE'S^away  from  home. 

AND  EVERYTHING. 

*  *    * 

AND  TALKS  loud. 

*  *    * 

AND  YOU  trv  to  quiet  him. 

AND  CANT.* 

*  *    * 

AND  OTHER  piano  dealers. 
GATHER  AROUND. 

AND  LAFF. 

»    *    » 

AND  EGG^him  on. 
AND  SOMEHOW. 
YOU  MAKE^your  escape. 
AND  GO  out  jn  the  crowd. 
WHERE  NOBODY  knows  you. 
AND  MAKE^up  your  mind. 
THAT  THE  next  time. 
YOU  HAVE^yourself  paged. 
YOU'RE  GOING  to  be  armed. 
WITH  ALL  the  receipts. 
YOU'VE  EVER  saved. 
FOR  PIANOS  and  things. 
THAT'S*  WHAT  happened  to  me. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


THERE'S  ONE  thing. 

ABOUT  THIS  stuff. 

*  *    » 

AND  THAT  is. 

IF  YOU  don't  like  it. 

*  *    » 

YOU  WON'T  have  to  waste. 

»    *    » 

A  LOT  of  time. 

•»    *    » 

FINDING  IT  out. 

*  *    * 

I'VE  BEEN  writing  it  now. 
FOR  THREE  years. 

OUT  IN  the  West. 

»    *    * 

AND  I'VE  come  here. 

*  *    * 

TO  TRY  it  on  you. 

AND  IF  you  don't  like  it. 

*  »    * 

I  CAN  go  back. 

BUT  YOUJRE  going  to  like  it. 

I'M  GOING  to  make  you. 

*  *    * 

I  USED  to  live  here. 

*  #    * 

AND  I  went  away. 
JUST  THREE  days. 
AFTER^THE  blizzard. 

OF  '88. 

*  *    • 

IT  WAS  the  biggest  blizzard. 

YOU  EVER  had. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  spent  ^the  day. 
ON  AN^  elevated  train. 
THAT  WAS  Jfrozen  up. 

NEAR  SIXTY-SEVENTH  street. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  Third  avenue  line. 

*  *    * 

AND  THERE  was  a  saloon. 
JUST  UNDERNEATH  us. 

AND  ALONG  about  noon. 

*  *    * 

WE  MADE  a  rope. 

OUT  OF  scarfs. 

*  *    * 

AND  LET  down  a  lunch  pail. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  put  15  cents. 
IN  A  note. 


*  *    * 

FOR  A  sandwich. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  bottle  of  milk. 

*  *        * 

AND  OTHER  folks. 

*  *    * 

DID  THE^same  thing. 
AND  A  man  ran  out. 

FROM  THE  saloon. 

*  *    * 

AND  GOT^the  pail. 

AND  WENT  in. 

AND  NEVER  came  back. 

THE  THIEF. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  couldn't  get  down. 

TO  WHERE  he  was. 

*  *    * 

AND  IN   the  afternoon. 
THEY  HAULED  us  back. 
TO  NINETY-NINTH  street. 

•  "•'"• 

AND  I  had  to  walk  home. 

*  *     * 

AND  FROZE  my  ears. 

*  *    * 

AND  THAT  ^was  Monday. 

AND  ON  Thursday. 

I  LEFT  New] York. 

AND  WENT^to  Winnipeg. 

WHERE  YOU  always  know. 

WHAT^YOUJRE  going  to  get. 

AND  GETJt* 

AND  SINCE  then. 

*  *    * 

I'VE  BEEN  wandering  around. 
AND  LAST  Sunday. 

I  GOT  back  here. 

*  *    * 

AND  IF  it  happens. 
THAT  I  find  a  man. 

WITH  A  little  skull  cap. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  turned-up  collar. 

*  *    * 

AND  is^cents; 

I'M  GOING  to  kill  him. 

OR  SOMETHING. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


THE  OTHER  day. 
I  WROTE^a  piece. 

ABOUT  A  smile. 

*  *    * 

AND  HOW  it  grows. 

AND  SPREADS  itself. 

*  *    * 

LIKE  RIPPLES. 

*  *    * 

RUNNING   EVERYWHERE. 

*  *    * 

UPON  A  sea. 

*  *    * 

WHERE  QUIET  was. 

UNTIL  A  pebble. 

*  *    * 

BROKE^  THE  spell. 
OF  QUIETUDE. 
AND  YESTERDAY. 

WHEN  NIGHT  had  come. 

*  *    * 

I  WANDERED  forth. 

*  *    * 

IN  IDLE  chance. 

THAT  SOMEWHERE. 

*  #    * 

IN  THE  moving  throng. 
THAT  I  had  joined. 

THAT  I  might  find. 

*  *    * 

AN  OLD  acquaintance. 

AND  A  smile. 

*  *    * 

AND  WANDERING. 

*  *    * 

I  FOUND  ^a  man. 
A  LITTLE  man. 
WITH  (CRIPPLED  back. 
UPON  A  chan-. 
CLOSEJO  the  curb. 
AND  THERE  it  was. 

HE  GATHERED  alms. 

*  *    * 

AND  PLAYED. 
AN  OLD  accordion. 
AND  SMILED. 
AND  THAT  he  smiled. 
WAS  WHY  I  stopped. 
AND  FOUND  a  dime. 


AND  DROPPED  it. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  little  cup. 

*  #    * 

AND  WHERE  he  sat. 

*  *    * 

WAS  NEAR  a  place. 

*  *    * 

WHERE  TAXIS  stood. 

»    *    * 

AND  ONE  drove  up. 

*  *    » 

AND  FROM  his  seat. 

THE  DRIVER  came. 

*  *    * 

AND  DROPPED  a  coin. 

INTO  THE  cup. 

*  *    * 

AND  OTHERS  came. 

*  *    * 

AND  AS  they  came. 

*  *    * 

THIS  DRIVER. 

WHO  WAS  first  to  come. 

*  *    * 

PICKED  UP  the  cup. 

«    *    * 

AND  PASSED  it  round. 

AND  GOT  a  coin. 

*  #    * 

FROM  EVERYONE. 

H       4P- ' ,  • 

AND  ALL  the  time. 

»    *    * 

OUR  LITTLE  man. 

PLAYED  ON. 

*  *    » 

AND  SMILED. 
NO  MATTER. 

*  T  * 

HE  HAD  crippled  back. 
AND  SIGHTLESS  eyes. 
AND  WAITER  came. 

FROM  OUT  a  door. 

*  *    * 

CLOSE  BY. 

*  *    * 

AND  DROPPED  a  coin. 
AND  HURRIED  back. 

AND  THEN.* 

*  *    * 

I  ASKED  the#  taxi  man. 

WHY  THEY  all  gave. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  just  said. 
"HE  ALWAYS  smiles." 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


Toronto,  Can.,  Sept.  22. 

DEAR  EDITOR. 

*  »    » 

THIS  IS  a^dry  town. 

AND  EVERYTHING'S  all  right. 

*  »    * 

AND  I'LL  be  home  Sunday. 

*  *    * 

INSTEAD  OF  Saturday. 

*  »    * 

I'M  GOING  to  spend  Saturday. 

*  *    * 

WITH  COUSIN  Alex. 

*  #    * 

HE'S  GOT  an  automobile. 

*  *    » 

AND  MONEY. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  last  time  I  saw  him. 

*  *    * 

HE  WAS  a  little  kid. 

*  *     * 

IN  SHORT  pants. 

*  *    * 

ALWAYS  CRYING  around. 

*  *    * 

FOR  A  cent. 

*  *    * 

I  DIDN'T  ask  him. 

*  *    * 

HOW  HE  got  his  money. 

«    *    * 

BUT  AS  it  is. 

*  *    * 

I'LL  ONLY  be  here. 

*  *    * 

FOR  A^day.  ^ 

I  DON'T  care. 

*  *    • 

ALEX  WAS  the  boy. 

*  *    * 

THAT    PUSHED    the    Scadding 
cow. 

*  »      « 

OVER  A  bank. 

INTO  THE  lake. 

*  *    * 

AND  BLAMED  it  on  me. 
AND  IT  was^Alex. 

THAT  STUCK  four  walnut  shells. 

*  *    * 

ONTO  THE  four  feet. 

*  *    * 

OF  A  cat. 

*  *    * 

AND  PUT^the  cat. 

THROUGH  A  window. 

*  *    * 

INTO  THE  house. 

OF  WIDOW  Martin. 

*  *    * 

AND  SHE  didn't  have  any  carpets. 

ON  THE  floors. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  was  weeks. 


BEFORE  THE  doctor. 

*  *    • 

WOULD  LET  her  up. 

AND  I  want  you  to  know. 

*  *    * 

THAT  IT'S  all  right. 

*  *    * 

ABOUT  THE  things. 
THAT  I'D^promised  to  do. 
AND  DIDNT. 
AS  SOON^as^I  found. 

THAT  MY  wife. 

*  *    * 

WAS  SO  glad  to  see  me. 
I  CONFESSED  everything. 

RIGHT  AWAY. 

«    *    * 

AND  DO  you  know  what  she  did. 

*  *    * 

SHE  JUST  patted  my  hand. 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    » 

"I  KNEW  you  wouldn't. 

*  *    * 

"AND  WE'LL  attend  to  them  all. 

*  *    » 

"WHEN  WE^get  home." 

THE  ONLY  trouble  I  had. 

*  *    * 

WAS  TRYING  to  explain. 

*  *    « 

HOW  IT  was. 

*  *    » 

THAT  IT  jcost  one. 

SO  MUCH  more. 

*  »    * 

TO  LIVE  in  New  York. 

*  *    * 

THAN  TWO. 

*  *    * 

I  GOT  all  mixed  up. 

*  *    * 

TRYING  TO  do  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  always  cough. 

WHEN  I  He. 

*  *    # 

AND  I  kept  coughing. 

ALL  THE*time. 

*  *    * 

AND  SHE  knew. 

*  *    * 

AND  DIDN'T  pay  any  attention. 
TO  WHAT  Ijsaid. 

AND  IT'S  all  right. 

*  *    * 

AND  NOTHING  matters. 
EXCEPT  SHE'S  back. 


I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


TWENTY-TWO  YEARS  ago. 

*  *    * 

ONE  FRED  Bushell. 
WHO  WAS  city  editor. 

OF  THE  Minneapolis  Tribune. 

*  *    * 

PUSHED  A  little  button. 

*  *    * 

AND  RANG  a  little  bell. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  got^up^. 

AND  WENT  jnto  his  office. 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    * 

"DID  YOU  ring  for  me?" 

AND  HE  said:  "I  did. 

*  *    * 

"STARTING  TO-MORROW. 

*  »    * 

"YOU'RE  TO  be  sporting  editor. 

"OF  THE  Tribune." 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  next  week. 

*  *    » 

THERE  WAS  a  Ladies'  Six-Day 

Bicycle  Race. 

»    *    » 

AND  I  covered  that. 

*  *    » 

AND  THE  next  week. 

*  *    * 

THE     MINNEAPOLIS     baseball 
team. 

CAME  HOME. 

*  *    * 

TO  PLAY  with  Detroit. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  went  to  the  game. 

*  *    * 

AND  HAD  Adolph  Edson. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  Journal. 

*  *    * 

SHOW  ME  how  to  score. 

*  *    * 

AND  AFTER  the  game. 

*  *    * 

I  WENT  back  to  the  office. 

*  *    * 

AND  PUT^  some  paper. 
IN  MY  ^typewriter. 

AND  TOOK  my  score  book. 

*  *    » 

AND  LOOKED  at  it. 

*  *    * 

WHERE  I'D  scored  the  game. 

*  *     * 

AND  HADN'T  any  idea. 

*  #    * 

WHAT  IT  was  about. 

*  #     * 

AND  WROTE  a  story. 


ABOUT  THE  crowd. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  band. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  fellow  that  sold  pop- 
corn. 

*  *    * 

AND  SENT  over  to  Adolph. 

*  *    * 

FOR  A  copy  of  the  score. 

AND  GOT  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  TURNED  it  all  in. 

*         #         * 

TO  THE  creditor. 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    * 

"I'VE  TRIED  to  make  it. 

*  *    » 

"A  LITTLE  different." 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  read  it. 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    * 

"YOU  HAVE; 

"AND  TO-MORROW. 

*  *    * 

"YOU'D^  BETTER  go  back. 
"ON  THE^city  hall  run." 

AND  THAT  night. 

*  »    * 

I  TELEPHONED. 

TO  MY  girl. 
»°  *    * 

AND  TOLD  her. 

*  »    * 

THAT  I  couldn't  take  her. 

*  *    # 

TO  THE  baH  game. 
THE  NEXT  *day. 

BUT  IF  she  liked. 

*  #    # 

SHE  COULD  spend  the  afternoon. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  corridors. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  city^hall. 
AND  THAT'S  all. 

*         #        * 

I  KNOW  about  baseball. 

*  *    * 

BUT  IT'S  just  as  much. 

*  *    * 

AS  WILBERT  Robinson. 

»    *    * 

AND  JACK  Barry. 

AND    GROVER   Cleveland   Alex- 
ander. 

*  *    » 

AND  TY  Cobb. 
KNOW*ABOUT  newspapers. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IF  EVER% 

I  HAPPEN  to  wander. 

*  *    * 

INTO  A  strange  barber  shop. 
AND  THE  barber  shaves  me. 
AND  BRUSHES  my  hair. 

AND  BOWS.* 

»    «    • 

AND  LETS  me  go. 
I'M  GOING  t*o  faint. 

THERE'S  NO  such  animal. 

*  *    * 

AS  A  barber. 

*  *    * 

THAT  SHAVES  you. 

*  *    » 

AND  LETS  you  go. 

THE  ONLY  reason  they  shave  you. 

IS  SO  they  can  massage  you. 

WITHOUT  HURTING  their  fin- 
gers. 

*  *    * 

AND  THEY'RE  hunters. 

*  *    * 

THEY  KEEIMiunting  for  dandruff. 

AND  FIND  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  TELL  you  about  it 
AND  MAKE^you  feel. 
THAT  YOU'RE  careless. 
ABOUT  YOUR  person. 

YESTERDAY. 

*  *    * 

I  WANDERED  away. 

*  *    * 

FROM  MY  little  shop. 

ON  FORTY-THIRD  street. 

*  *    * 

AND  ALL^  I  ^wanted. 
WAS  A^shave*. 

AND  THE  barber. 

*  *    » 

HE  CUT  my  hair. 

*  *  J  * 

AND  THEN  he  asked  me. 
IF  HE'D  wash  it  out. 

AND  I  told  him  no. 

*  *    » 

THAT  IT  was  coming  out. 

WITHOUT  ANY  help. 

*  *    * 

AND  THEN  he  said: 


"IT  OUGHT  to  be  treated. 
"IT'LL  ALL  come  out. 
"IF  IT  keeps  on." 

AND  I  told  him  I  didn't  care. 

*  *    * 

IF  IT  kept  on. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  wanted  to  singe  it. 

AND  SAID. 

*  *    * 

THAT  THE  pores  were  open. 

OR  BLEEDING. 

*  *    • 

OR  FIGHTING. 
OR  SOMETHING. 
I  COULDN'T  hear  him. 
HE  WAS  strangling  me. 

WITH  A  hot  towel. 

*  *    * 

AND  AFTER  a  while. 

*  *    * 

HE  LET  me  go. 

AND  A  Greelc. 

*  *    « 

CAME  UP  and  hit  me. 

*  *    * 

WITH  A  clothes  brush. 
AND  FOLLOWED  me  around. 
AND  PICKED  little  specks. 
OFF  MY  coat. 

AND  STRAIGHTENED  my  col- 
lar. 

*  •    • 

AND  BRUSHED  me. 

*  *    * 

AND  PICKED  little  specks. 

*  »    * 

OFF  MY  £ants. 

AND  FOLLOWED  me. 

INTO  THE  hallway. 

AND  WJDULDN'T  leave  me. 

TILL  I  ^gaye  him  a  dime. 

AND  ALREADY. 

*  *    » 

I'D  PAID  him  a  dime. 

*  *    * 

FOR  A  shine. 

*  *    * 

AND  rVE^got  enough  coupons. 

FOR  SOME  razor  blades. 

*  *     * 

AND  I'M  going  to  get  them. 
TO-DAY.  * 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


AFTER  IT  was  all  over. 

*  *    * 

I  READ  in  the  paper. 

THAT  ANY  person. 

*  *    « 

WHO  GOT  in  the  subway. 

*  *    * 

WITH  A  bundle. 

*  *    » 

RIGHT  AWAY. 

*        #        * 

BECAME  A  dynamite  suspect. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  didn't  know  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  was  hot. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  morning  papers. 
WERE  FULL  of  troubles. 

AND  LITTLE  Bobbie  Jones. 

*  *    * 

THE     FIFTEEN  -  YEAR  -  OLD 

golfer. 

HAD  BEEN  "defeated. 

*  *    •» 

BY  AN  old  man 

*  *    * 

OF  TWENTY-TWO. 

*  *    * 

AND  OJHS  of  the  bell  boys. 

HAD  JUST  told  me. 

*  *    * 

THAT  A  strikebreaker. 

*  *    * 

HAD  BEEN  hit  in  the  neck. 

*  *    * 

WITH  A  dill^pickle. 

AND  WILLIAM  Bayard  Hale. 

*  *    * 

HAD  GOT  to  the  front. 

*  *    * 

AND  WAS  writing  about  it. 

AND  EVERYWHERE  I  went. 

*  *    * 

IT  WAS  something. 

ALL  THE*time. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  got^my  bathing  suit. 

AND  WRAPPED  it  up. 

*  *    * 

IN  A  package. 

*  »    * 

AND  WENT  down. 

*  *    » 

INTO  THE  subway. 

*  #    * 

AND  HAD  my  nickel. 

*  *    # 

IN  MY  hand. 

*  *    * 

AND  SOMEBODY  touched  me. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  shoulder. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAID. 


"WHAT^  HAVE  you. 
"IN  THE  [package?" 

AND  I'M  awfully  fresh. 

*  *    * 

WHEN  I  have  a  grouch. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  had  an  idea. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS.  suspected. 

OF  STEALING  a  bath  towel. 

OR  SOMETHING. 

*  *    * 

OUT  OF  the  Woodstock. 

*  *    * 

BECAUSE  AT  first. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS  going  ^to  take  one. 
WITH  MY  bathing  suit. 

BUT  I  didn't* 

»    *    * 

AND  I  was  indignant. 
AND   SAID.  * 

"IT'S  MY  business. 

*  *    » 

"WHAT  IJiaye  in  the  package." 

AND  THE  man  just  smiled. 

*  *    * 

AND  SPOKED  kindly. 
AND  TOLD  me. 

ALL  ABOUT  it. 

*  »    » 

AND  HE  was  sorry. 

*  *     * 

BUT  HE  had  to  see  it. 

•        *    *    * 

AND  I  sat^  right  down. 
ON  A  bench. 

AND  OPENED  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  SHOWED  it  to  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  GAVE  him  a  cigar. 

»    *    * 

AND  SHOOK  hands  with  him. 

AND  WENT  away. 

*  *    * 

FEELINGhROTTEN. 

THE  WAY  I*d  talked. 

*  *     * 

THESE^GUYS. 
THAT  WON^T  fight  with  you. 
IN  THE  morning. 
WHEN^YOU'VE  got  a  grouch. 
THEY  MAKE  me  sick. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


SATURDAY  AFTERNOON. 

*        *        * 

I  WENT  into  a  shoe  store. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  salesman. 

*  *     * 

CAME  UP  and  said. 

*  «     * 

"GOOD^  AFTERNOON. 
"WONT  YOU  sit  down. 

"WHAT  CAN  I  show  you?" 

*  *    * 

AND  I  said:  "Thank  you. 

"GOOD  AFTERNOON. 

«    *    » 

"A  PAIR  of  shoes.  " 

*  »    » 

AND  SAT  down. 

*  *    » 

AND  HE  took  the  shoe. 

*  *    * 

OFF  MY  right  foot. 

*  *    * 

AND  WENT  over  to  a  shelf. 

»    *    » 

AND  GOT  a  box. 

»    *    * 

AND  TOOK  out  the  right  shoe. 

*  *    * 

AND  HID  the  box. 

*  *    * 

AND  CAME  over  to  me. 

*  •    * 

WITH  THE  ^shoe. 
AND  FORCEjD  it  on. 

AND  LACED  it  up. 

*  •    • 

AND  I  Jooked  at  it. 
AND  SAID:  ^ 
"I  DONTKke  it. 
"AND  BESIDES  that. 

"IT'S  TOO  tight." 
»    »    • 

AND  I  thought  for  a  minute. 

*  •    * 

HE  WAS  going  to  cry. 
HE  SEEMED^  so  pained. 
AND  HE  said. 
"IT  CANT  be  too  small. 

"IT'S  THE  same  size. 
«    *    * 

"AS  THE  shoes  you  arc  wearing." 

AND  AT  that* 

»    »    » 

I  ROSE^right^up. 
AND  SAID:  ^ 
"LISTEN,  *FELLOW. 


"ALL  MY  life 

*  *    * 

"I'VE  BEEN  searching. 

»    *    « 

"FOR  A^  shoe^salesman. 
"WHO'LL^LET  me  buy. 
"THE  SHOES  I  want. 
"INSTEAD  OF  the  shoes. 
"HE  WANTS#me  to  wear. 

"TAKE  IT*off." 

*  »    *  « 

AND  I  sat  down. 

»    *    » 

AND  HE  felt^the  shoe. 
WITH  HIS  fingers. 
AND  SAID:  * 

"IT'S  A  perfect  fit. 

*  *    * 

"AND  YOU  must  remember. 

'THAT  A  new  shoe. 

»    »    » 

"IS  NEVER  as  comfortable. 

*  »    » 

"AS  AN^old  shoe." 
AND  ANYWAY. 

ON  SUNDAY  morning. 

*  •    • 

I  PUT  them  on. 

AND  STARTED  for  a  walk. 

THROUGH  THE  park. 
«    *    * 

AND  REACHED  a  bench. 
ON  MYJiands  and  knees. 
AND  WAITED  there. 
TILL  MY^wife  took  a  car. 
TO  OUR  hotel. 

AND  CAME  back. 

»    »    • 

WITH  AN  old  pair. 

*  »    * 

AND  IF  there's  anybody  in  New 
York. 

WHO  KNOWS  a  shoe  salesman. 
WITH  A  weak  mind. 

WHO  CAN  be  cowed. 

*  *    * 

INTO  GIVING  a  customer. 

WHAT  HE  wants. 

*  *    « 

I  WANT  his  name. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


EVER  SINCE. 

*  *        * 

TWO  OR  three  days  ago. 

WHEN  A  friend  of  mine. 

*  *     * 

TOOK  ME  to  a  hospital. 

WHERE  THERE'S  a  room. 

*  »     » 

COMPLETELY  FILLED. 

*  *    » 

WITH  BASKETS. 

*  *    * 

AND  IN  each  basket. 

»    *    * 

THEREJS  A  little  baby. 
I'VE  BEEN  worried. 

FOR  MY  friend. 

*  »    * 

OWNED  ONE  of  the  babies. 

*  *    » 

AND  HE  had  to  ask  the  nurse. 

*  *    » 

WHICH  IT  was. 

*  *    » 

AND  THE  nurse  showed  him. 

*  *    » 

AND  THEN  we  looked  around. 

*  *    * 

AT  THE  rest  of  the  babies. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHILE  we  were  looking. 

THE  NURSE  went  out. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  found  one. 

»    #    * 

THAT  WAS  better  looking. 

THAN  HIS  baby. 

*  *    * 

AND  WANTED  to  switch  them. 

»    »    * 

BUT  HE  wouldn't  do  it. 

AND  ANYWAY. 

*  *    * 

I'VE  BEEN  wondering. 

WHAT  WOULD  happen. 

*  *    * 

IF  SOME  day. 

THEY'D  MAKE  a  mistake. 

AND  LITTLE  Johnnie  Brown. 

WOULD  GROW  up. 

*  •    « 

TO  BEJHenry  Smith. 
AND  HENRY  Smith. 

WOULD  GROW  up. 

*  *    * 

TO  BE  Johnnie  Brown. 

AND  HENRY. 

WOULD  BECOME  a  lawyer. 


AND  JOHNNIE  Brown. 

WOULD  BE  a  bartender. 

*  *    * 

AND  THEY'D  find  out. 

ABOUT  THE  mistake. 

*  *    * 

AND  WOULD  Henry  Smith. 

*  *    » 

GO  TENDING  bar. 

AND  WOULD  Johnnie  Brown. 

*  *    * 

BECOME  A  Jawyer. 

AND  WOULD  they  change  their 

names. 

*  *     » 

AND  WOULD  the  Smiths. 

*  *    * 

HAVE  A  bartender. 
INSTEAD  #OF  a  lawyer. 

AND  THE  Browns. 

*  *    » 

HAVE  A  lawyer. 

INSTEAD  OF  a  bartender. 

*  *    » 

OR  WHAT? 

JUST  SUPPOSING. 

«    *    * 

THAT  GEORGE  Cohan. 

*  *    * 

AND  VINCENT  Astor. 

*  *    # 

HAD  BEEN  born. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  same  hospital. 

AND  BEEN  switched. 

*  *     * 

IN  THE  little  baskets. 

*  *    * 

AND  SOMEBODY. 

*  *    * 

WOULD  FIND  it  out. 

*  *    * 

WOULD  VINCENT. 
START  ^WRITING  plays. 
AND  WOULD  George. 
GET  ALL^the  yachts. 

THE  ONLY  way. 

*  *    *    • 

YOU  CAN^tell  your  own  baby. 

IN  A  hospital. 

*  *    * 

IS  TO  ask^the  nurse. 
MAYBE  I'M  Will  Rogers. 
OR  FRANK  ^Craven. 
OR  SOMEBO*DY. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


TO  THE  Brotherhood. 
OF  RAILWAY  trainmen. 

GENTLEMEN. 

»    *    * 

I'M  AN^  optimist. 
AND  I  didn't  believe. 

UNTIL*YESTERDAY. 

*  *  » 

THAT  YOU  were  really. 
»    *    • 

GOING  TO  strike. 

»    »    • 

AND  NOW  it  seems. 

*  •    • 

THAT  YOU  are. 

*  *    • 

AND  I'M  terrible  worried. 

»    *    * 

BECAUSE^  MY  wife. 

IS  AWAY  out. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  Pacific  Coast. 

*  »    » 

AND    SHE    was    going    to    start 

home. 

«    »    • 

TO-DAY. 

«    *    « 

AND  SHE^  can't. 

BECAUSE  SHE  can't  tell. 

«    »    * 

WHERE  SHE'D  be. 

WHEN  YOU  started  the  strike. 

»    »    » 

AND  I  want  her. 

H»         »         » 

I  HAD  an  idea. 

»     »    » 

THAT  NEW^York. 

WOULD  BE*a  fine  town. 

»    *    * 

TO  BE  free  in. 

*  *    » 

FOR  A  Jittle  while. 
AND  I'D  planned. 

ON  A  lot  of  things. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS  going^to  do. 

AND  I  don't  do  them. 

*  #    * 

I  JUST  wander. 

*  *    » 

LIKE  A  lost  soul. 

*  *    * 

AND  GO  all  by  myself. 
TO  THEATRES. 
AND  PICTURE  shows. 


AND  I'M  having  trouble. 

*  *    * 

WITH  MY  laundry. 

»    *    * 

I  DON'T  know  what  to  do  with  it. 

AND  EVERYTHING'S  dirty. 

*  *    * 

AND  MY  Palm  Beach  suit. 

IT'S  DIRTY.* 

*  »    * 

AND    I    don't   know   who    cleans 

them. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  can't  tie. 

»    •    • 

A  DRESS  tie. 

AND  TO-NIGHT. 

*  •    • 

I'VE  GOT  to  wear  one. 

»    *    » 

AND  THE  chambermaid. 

WILL  HAVE  to  tie  it. 

*  *    « 

AND  I  don't  think. 
»    •    • 

SHE  CAN^  speak  English. 

SHE'S  AN  Icelander. 

*  *    * 

OR  SOMETHING. 
AND  I'VE^gone  back. 
TO  SMOKING  cigarettes. 
AND  MY  fingers. 
ARE  GETTING  yellow. 
AND  Ijdon't^eat. 

AT  REGULAR  hours. 

»    »    * 

AND  I  can't  shave. 

*  *    * 

THE  BACK  of  my  neck. 

*  *    * 

OR  ANYTHING. 

*  »    * 

AND  I  wanted  to  ask  you. 

*  *    * 

IF  YOU'RE  going  to  strike. 

TO  MAKE  it*  as  short. 

*  »    * 

AS  YOU  can. 
IT'S  JUST*  in*  jokes. 

THAT  MARRIED  men. 

*  *    * 

HAVE  A  £ood  time. 
WITH  THEIR  wives  away. 

I  THANK  you. 


OUT* 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


FRIDAY  MORNING. 

*  *        * 

I  GOT  on  a  street  car. 

AT  FORTY-SECOND. 

*  #    » 

AND  BROADWAY. 

*  *        * 

AND  THERE  was  a  man. 
GOT  ON  thejcar. 

WITH  HIS  wife. 

*  *    * 

OR  WHOEVER  it  was. 

ANYWAY. 

*  *    • 

HE  DIDNT  help  her  on. 
AND  THEY^sat  down. 
JUST  OPPOSITE  me. 
AND  THE  man. 

*  *         * 

HAD  A  copy. 

*  *    » 

OF  THE  American. 

AND  HE  read  it. 

*  »    * 

FOR  A  little  while. 

*  *    * 

AND  FOLDED  it  up. 

*  *    * 

AND  LOOKED  over  at  me. 

»    *    * 

AND  SORT  of  smiled. 

*  ~  *    • 

AND  TALKED  in  his  hand. 

TO  HIS  wife! 

*  #    * 

AND  HIS  wife  looked  over. 

*  *    » 

AND  SORT  of  smiled. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  tried  to  appear. 
THAT  I  hadn't  seen  them. 
AND  SAID  to  myself. 
"THEY*KNOW  me. 

"THEY'VE  SEEN  the  little  pic- 
ture. 

"IN  THE  paper. 

"AT  THE  Joot  of  my  column. 

"AND  THEY^know  me." 

AND  I  was  glad. 

AND  SWEJLLED  up. 

AND  READ  all  the  ads. 

IN  THE  dr.* 

*  *    * 


AND  THE^  car  stopped. 

AND  THERE  were  three  girls. 

AND  THEY  got  on. 

AND  BEFORE  we  arrived. 

*  *    * 

AT  THE  Grand  Central. 

*  *    * 

THEY'D  DISCOVERED  me. 

*  *    * 

AND  HAD  whispered. 

*  *    * 

ONE  TO  the  other. 

»    »    * 

AND  TITTERED. 

«    *    * 

AND  I  was  sorry. 

*  *    • 

THAT  MR.  Hearst. 

OR  SOMEBODY. 

*  *    * 

FROM  THE  office. 

*  «    * 

HADN'T  BEEN  with  me. 

»     *    * 

SO  THEY^could  see. 

HOW  WELL  known. 

*  *    » 

I  WAS  becoming. 
AND  I  said.   ] 
JUST  TO  myself. 
"IT'S  REMARKABLE. 

*         *         # 

"I'VE  BEEN^here. 
"JUST  THREE  months. 
"AND  rMJbut  one. 

"IN  SIX  million. 

•»    *    * 

"AND  I^geJ:  on  a  car. 
"AND  THE  passengers. 
"ALL  SEEM^to  know  me." 
AND  THE  car  stopped. 

AT  THIRD  avenue. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  arose. 
FROM  MY  seat. 
AND  LOOKED  down. 
AND  MY  crimson  garter. 
WAS  HANGING  down. 

OVER  MY  shoe. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  slunk  out. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


JUST  AT  the  moment. 

*  *    » 

WHEN  I'D  made  up  my  mind. 
TO  PLAY^golf. 
AND  HAD  got  a  lot  of  clubs. 
AND  A  bag. 

AND  SOME  balls. 

*  »    * 

I  READ  in  the  paper. 
THAT  A  boy; 
FIFTEEN  YEARS  old. 

*         »         » 

IS  THE  sensation. 

•*        *        » 

OF  THE  golf  tournament. 
AT  PHILADELPHIA. 

I  DON'T  mind  boys. 

«    *    » 

I  LIKE  them. 

*  *    « 

BUT  I'M  getting  along. 

*  *    * 

AND  IN  a^  little  while. 

I'LL  BE  an  old  man. 

»    *    * 

AND  I'D  hate. 

*  »    » 

TO  GO  trailing  around. 
»    «    » 

ON  A  golf  course. 
WITH  A  kid.[ 
BEATING^ME  out. 
AT  EVERY  hole. 

IT  ISN'T  right. 

*  *    » 

THEY  OUGHT  to  leave  us  alone. 

*         « 

AND  STICK  to  their  marbles. 
OR  HOP-SCOTCH. 
AND  BESIDES. 

NO  MAN. 

*  *    * 

WHO  IS  a  gentleman. 
WOULD  SAY. 
IN  FRONT  o}  a  boy. 
OF  FIFTEEN. 
THE  THINGS. 
THAT  HE^has  to  say. 

WHEN  HE  swings. 

*  *    * 

AS  HARD  as  he  can. 


AND  DRIVES  th«  ball. 

six  INCHES! 

*»       •»       » 

IT  WOULD  be  just  the  6ame. 
AS  BEING  a  minister. 
AND  HITTING  your  thumb. 

WITH  A  hammer. 

*  *    * 

AFTER^A^  while. 
YOU'D  *BE  so  filled  tip. 
YOU'D  GO  crazy. 
YOU  COULDN'T  do  ft. 
I  KNOW  a  lot  of  words. 

THAT  I  use.* 

*  »    * 

WHENJTHINGS  happ«n. 
UNEXPECTEDLY. 
AND  THEY'RE  not  it. 
FOR  A  ^young  boy. 

AND  BESIDES. 

*  *    * 

WHAT  ARE^yott  going  to  do. 
WITH  A  kidv 

OF  FIFTEEN. 

*  •    • 

AT  THE  nineteenth  hole? 
YOU'D  HAVE  to  leave  hl». 
STANDING  OUTSIDE. 
AND  CARRY  him  out 

SOME  POP.  * 

*  *    • 

IT  S  ALL  wrong. 

IF  I'M  going^to  play. 

A  NURSERY  game 

I'M  GOING  to  get  a  nursery. 

AND  PLAY  it. 


°  make 

A  NURSERY*ga»e. 
I'M  GOING  to  quit  it. 
IT  STARTED  out. 
BEING  #AN  old  man's  game. 
AND  LOO*Kat  it  uowJ 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


I'VE  TRIED  for  an  hour. 

*  *    * 

TO  THINK  of  something. 
TO  WRITE  about 

BUT  I  can't. 

*  *    * 

AND  ALL^Ijcan  see. 

FROM  MY  window. 

*  *    * 

IS  A  girl  on  the  roof. 

*  *    * 

OF  THE  next  building. 

WASHING  A  boa. 

*  *    * 

AND  THERE'S  nothing  funny. 
OR  INTERESTING. 
ABOUT  THAT. 

EXCEPT  THAT  just  now. 

*  *    * 

AS  I  write. 

*  *    * 

SHE  WAVED  it. 

#         *        * 

TO  SHAKE  the  white  stuff  out. 

*  »    » 

AND  THE  tail  came  off. 

»     »     * 

AND  SHE  nearly  lost  it. 

IT  SEEMS  foolish. 

»    *    » 

TO  BE  ^running  around  on  a  roof. 

WAVING  A  boa. 

*  *    * 

BUT  I  shouM  worry. 

ABOUT  HER. 

«    «    » 

WHEN^I'VEjso  many  troubles. 
OFMY^own/ 

TO-NIGHT.  * 

*  *    * 

AS  I  write. 

I'M  GOING  north. 

TO  TORONTO. 

»    *    » 

AND  MEET  my  wife. 

AND  BJRINGjher  home. 

AND  FOR^month. 

IN  EVERY  letter. 

SHE'D  TELL  me  something. 

I  HAD  to  do. 

AND  TO-DAY. 


I'VE  TRIED  J:o  remember. 

ONE  THING. 

*  *    * 

THAT  SHE  told  me  to  do. 

*  *    * 

THAT  I'VE  done. 
AND  I  can't.  * 

EXCEPT  I  took. 

*  *    * 

A  LOT^of^gloves. 

AND  THINGS. 

*  *    * 

TO  A  cleaner. 

»    »    • 

TO  HAVE#  them  all  ready. 
WHEN  ^SHE*got  home. 
AND  I'VEJost  the  check. 
AND  I'VE#  fo}gotten. 
JUST  WHERE  the  place  is. 

THAT  I  took  them. 

*  »    » 

AND  I  promised. 

I'D  LOOK  for  a  flat. 

»    *    » 

AND  GET^the  furniture. 
FROM  THE  freight  sheds. 

AND  I  haven't. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  haven't  sent  the  checks. 
FOR  THE^  payments. 

ON  OUR  books. 

*  *    * 

AND  I'VE^  spent  the  money. 
AND  THERE'S  only  a  few  things. 

I  CAN  lie  about. 

*  »    * 

AND  ALL^  I  can  do. 
IS  GET^a  lot  of  flowers. 
AND  HAVE  them  here. 
WHEN  *WE  get  home. 
ON  SATURDAY  morning. 
AND  TRY#  to  keep  her. 
FROM  ASKING  questions. 
AS  LONG^asJ  can. 
BUT  AT  that* 
IT'S  WORTH  it  all. 
TO  HAVE  her  home. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IF  THE^boy.  # 
THAT  RAN  into  me. 

*        #         * 

WITH  HIS  bicycle. 
TUESDAY  AFTERNOON. 

AT  THE  Astor  corner. 

*  *    * 

ON  TIMES  Square. 

*  *    * 

READSJTHIS. 

I  WANT  him  to  know. 

*  *    * 

THAT  I  didn^t  mean. 

WHAT  I  said. 

»    *    * 

WHEN  HE  hit  me. 

*  *    * 

AND  THAT  ordinarily. 

*  *    * 

I  DON'T  use. 

»    *    * 

THAT  SORT  of  language. 

*  *     » 

AND  I'M  sorry. 

AND  IT  wasn't  his  fault. 

*  »    » 

HE  COULDN'T  help  it. 

*  »    * 

HE  GOT  excited. 

*  »    • 

AND  WHEN^you  get  excited. 

ON  A  bicycle. 

*  »    « 

YOU'RE  ON  your  way. 

*  *    » 

BUT  YOU  don't  know. 

*  »    * 

WHERE  YOU'RE  going. 

*  *    « 

WHENJ  was^a  boy. 

I  HAD  a  bicycle. 

«    «    * 

AND  I  remember  one  time. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS  riding^. 

OVER  A  crossing. 

*  *    * 

AND  FOR  a  mile. 

*  *    » 

THERE^WAS  only  one  man. 
IN  SIGHT,. 

AND  I  saw  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  STARTED  after  him. 

*  »    * 

AND  TRIED  to  get  out  of  his  way. 
AND  COULDN'T. 
AND  HE  ran. 


AND  I  chased  him. 

*  »    * 

AND  BEAT  him  to  the  sidewalk. 

AND  HIT  him. 

*  *•    * 

AND  WHEN^  I  got  up. 
HE  STRUCK^me. 

ON  THE  side  of  the  head. 

»     »     * 

HARD.  ^ 

WITH  HIS  open  hand. 

AND  I'VE#always  believed. 

IT  WAS  that 

THAT  MAKES  me  write. 

LIKE  THIS. 

*  «    * 

AND  ANOTHER  time. 

I  STARTED  to  ride. 

*  *    * 

OVER  A  bridge. 

AND  THERE  was  one  place. 

WHERE  THE  rail  was  down. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  saw  it. 

*  »     » 

AND  IT  was  just  wide  enough. 

FOR  THE  handle  bars. 

*  »    » 

TO  GO  ^through. 
AND  I  went  through. 

AND  INTO  the  river. 

*  *    * 

AND  IF  you  ever  rode  a  bicycle- 
YOU'LL  KNOW. 
AND  YOU'LL  know. 

THAT  WHATEVER  it  was. 

*  »    * 

I  SAIDV 

TO  THE  smajl  boy. 

I  SHOULDNT  have  said  it. 

AND  I'M  sorry. 

AND  ASHAMED  of  myself. 

*  *    •* 

AND  I  apologize. 

PUBLICLY. 

AND  EVERYTHING. 

TTHANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


DEAR  EDITOR. 

*  *        * 

WHEN  I  was  a  little  boy. 

*  #    * 

I  ALWAYS  wanted. 

*  *     » 

TO  QUIT  school. 

»    *    * 

AND  GO  to  work. 

*  »    * 

AND  I  must  have  been  crazy. 

OR  SOMETHING. 

«    »    » 

BECAUSE  I  wanted  to  be. 

A  DRUGGIST. 

*  »    * 

AND  MY  father. 

HAD  A  frfend. 

»    »    * 

AND  HE  owned  a  drug  store. 

AND  ONE*  day. 

*  »    * 

HE  TOLD  me. 

•.•••• 

HE'D  GJOT  me  a  job. 
WITH   THE^  druggist. 
AND  THE  next   Monday. 

I  WENT  to  work. 

»    »    » 

AT  7  o'clock. 

*  »    * 

IN  THE  morning. 

*  *    » 

AND  SWEPT  up  the  store. 

*  *    * 

AND  AFTER  that. 

*  *    » 

THE  REST  of  the  day. 

*  »    * 

THEY'D  KEEP  me. 

IN  THE  back  of  the  store. 

WASHING  BOTTLES. 

*  *    • 

AND  CLEANING  goo. 

*  *    * 

OUT  OF  little  jars. 

WHERE  THEY'D  mixed  things. 

AND  FOR  a  week. 

*  «    * 

I  DID  that. 
EVERY^  DAY. 
AND  I'D  cry<  nights. 

AND  I  wanted  to  quit. 

*  *    * 

BUT  I'D  been  so  anxious. 

TO  GO  to  work. 
«    *    * 


AND  TO  be  a  druggist. 

I  DIDN'T  dare  holler. 

*  *    * 

TILL  THE  second  Monday. 

*  *    » 

WHEN  #THE^  druggist  sent  me. 
WITH  A  veterinary. 
WHO  WAS  going  to  see. 

A  SICK  cow. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  was  my  job. 

TO  HOLD^the  cow's  tongue. 

AND  I  couldn't. 

*  »    * 

IT  KEPT  ^slipping. 
OUT  OF  my^  fingers. 

AND  IT  made  me  sick. 

*  *    « 

AND  I  quit. 

AND  WENTJback  to  my  father. 

AND  TOLD  him. 

*  *    # 

I'D   QUIT^my  job. 
AND   HE  Jaughed. 
AND  SENT  me  to  school. 
AND  EVER  ^since  then. 

I'VE  HATED  work. 

»    *    » 

AND  I'M  telling  you  this. 
SO  YOU'LL  understand. 
THAT  WHEN  I  told  you. 

I  WANTED  to  go. 

«    *    * 

TO  THE  world's  series. 
I  MEANT*  it* 
AND  I  thought  I'd  like  it. 
BUT  I  don't* 
EVERYWHERE  I  go. 
THEREJS  A  band. 

PLAYING  "TESSIE." 

*  *    » 

AND  I  can^t  sleep. 

AND  FM*sick. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  want  to  stay  home. 
IF  YOU'LL  let  me. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


COLONEL  WILLIAM  Hayward. 

*        *        * 

PUBLIC  SERVICE  Commission. 

*    *    * 
EQUITABLE  LIFE  Building. 


MY  DEAR  Will 

YOU  REMEMBER  one  time. 

»    *    * 

I  WAS  introduced  to  you. 
DOWN^IN  your  office. 
AND  YOU#  told  me. 

IF  THERE  was  ever  anything. 

*  *    * 

THAT  YOU  could  do  for  me. 

YOU'D  DO  it 

WELL,  I'VE  found  something. 

AND  I  want  to  tell  you. 

*  *    » 

THAT  WEDNESDAY  night 

ABOUT  6  o'clock. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS  going  downtown. 

ON  A  surface  car. 

*  *    * 

ON  SIXTH  avenue. 

*  *    » 

AND  I  wanted  to  get  off. 

*  *    * 

AT  TWENTY-EIGHTH  street. 

*  »    * 

AND  I  stood  up. 

*  »    * 

AND  STARTED  to  the  door. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  rear  of  the  car. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  car  stopped. 

»    *    » 

WITH  A  jolt 

AND  I  started  to  run. 

*  *    * 

AND  WAS  getting  along. 
WITHOUT  ANY  trouble. 

*         *         * 

WHEN  I  came  to  a  man. 
WITH  HIS  legs  crossed. 
AND  STICKING  away  out. 
ACROSS  THE  car. 

AND  AT  first 

*  *    * 

I  HAD  an  idea. 

*  *     * 

I'D  HURDLE  them. 

*  *    * 

BUT  CHANGED  my  mind. 


AND  STARTED  around  them. 

AND  MISSED  it. 

AND  TRIPPED  on  them. 

AND  FELL  over. 

ON  MY^face  and  hands. 

ON  THE  floor  of  the  car. 

*  *    * 

AND  GOT#up; 
JUST  AS  the^taxicab. 
OR  WHATEVER  it  was. 

*  #        * 

GOT  OUT  of  our  way. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  started  again. 

*  *    * 

WITH  ANOTHER  jolt 

*  «    * 

AND  I  ran  back. 

*  »    * 

TO  THE  front  of  the  car. 

*  *    * 

AND  MISSED  everything. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE^  car  stopped. 

WITH  ANOTHER  jolt 

*  *    * 

AND  I  started  again. 

*  *    * 

FOR  THE  back  platform. 

*  «    « 

RUNNING. 

LIGHTLY. 

*  *    * 

AND  MADE  it. 
WITHOUT  ANY  accident 
AND  GOT^off  the  car. 

AND  WHAT  I'd  like. 

*  »    » 

TO  HAVE  you  do. 

*•    »    » 

IS  TO  have  signs. 

*  *    * 

PUT  UP  in  the  street  cars. 

READING}  ' 
"ALL  PASSENGERS. 
"OCCUPYING  SEATS. 
"WILL  UNDERSTAND. 
"THAT  ^PASSENGERS. 

"RUNNING  UP  and  down. 

*  *    * 

"IN  THE  cars. 

#  *         # 

"SHALL  HAVE  the  right  of  way." 
I  THINK  that's  all. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


FROM  WHERE  I  sit. 
EACH  MORNING. 

AS  I  write. 

*  *    * 

I  LOOK  across. 

*  *    * 

AN  OPEN  way. 

TO  OTHER  place. 

*  *    * 

WHERE  HOMELESS  folks. 

*  *    * 

LIKE  I. 

*  *    * 

HAVE  ROOMS. 

*  *    * 

IN  WHICH  to  sleep. 

AND  RECENTLY. 

*  *    * 

ACROSS  THE  way. 

I'VE  MADE  two  friends. 

*  *    * 

A  LITTLE  woman. 

*  *    * 

AND  A  man. 

*  *    » 

I  SAW  them  first. 

WHEN  SHE. 

*  *    * 

CAME  TO  the  window. 

*  *    * 

WHILE  I# worked. 
AND  PINNED. 

*         •*•         * 

UPON  THE  curtain. 

*  *    * 

OF  HER  room. 

*  *    * 

TWO  STOJCKINGS. 
LONG  AND  ^white. 

AND  HE. 

*  »    » 

A  LITTLE  later  came. 

*  *    » 

WITH  SOCKS. 

*  *    * 

AND  LAID  them. 

*'-** 

ON  THE  window  sill. 

*  *    * 

AND  AS  I  looked. 

THEY  LOOKED. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAW. 

*  *    * 

AND  WAVED  their  hands. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  waved  back. 

*  *     * 

AND  WE  all  smiled. 

#•-».•» 

AND  STRAIGHTAWAY. 

*  *    * 

WERE  ^FRIENDS. 
AND  SO  it  is. 


FOR  DAYS. 

*  #  * 

THEY'VE  ^WASHED. 

AND  HUNG  it  out. 

*  *  * 

THE  WHILE  I  wrote. 

AND  WAVED  my  hand. 

*  *    * 

AND  SATURDAY. 

SHE  WASHED  two  pairs. 

*  *    * 

AND  HUNG^them  out. 

AND  THEN. 

*  *    * 

SOME  HANDKERCHIEFS. 
AND  OTHER  things. 
AND  WHILE  they  dried. 

HE  CAME! 

*  *      * 

AND  LAID  some  socks. 

UPON  THE  sill. 

»    *    » 

AND  THEN  it  was. 

*  *    » 

THAT  I  went  out. 

AND  LATER. 

*  *    * 

COMING  BAJCK. 
WAS  JUST  in  time. 

TO  SEE  them. 

*.    *    • 

ALL  DRESSED  up. 

FOR  GOING*out. 

»    »    * 

AND  PUTTING  in  a  bag. 
THE  WASHING. 
THAT  THEY  hadn't  worn. 
AND  THEN  they  waved. 
AND  PULLED  the  window. 
AND  THE  curtain. 


AND  WENT  away. 

IT'S  MONDAY. 

*    *    * 

AS  I  sit  here  now. 
AND  THEY'RE  still  gone. 
I  WONDER  where. 
AND  WHO  they  are? 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


A  FRIEND.  ^ 

WHOM  I  had  known. 

*  »    # 

AS  A  boy.  ^ 
AND  WHO  has  since. 
BECOME  POSSESSED. 
OF  WORLDLY  things. 

BEYOND  THE  dreams. 

*  *    * 

WE  USED^  to^  dream. 
WHEN  ^WE  played  games. 

OF  WHAT  we'd  do. 

*  *    * 

IF  WE  were  rich. 

LOOKED  IN  on  me. 

*  *    * 

ON  SATURDAY. 

AND  TOOK  me  out. 

*  *    * 

TO  WHERE  he  lives. 

*  *    # 

AND  ON  the^way. 

PAST  CITY  streets. 

*  »    # 

AND  COUNTRY  roads. 
WE  TRAVELLED  back. 

ALONG  THE  paths. 

*  «    • 

WE  BOTH  had  come. 
AND  ON  his^path. 

IT  SEEMED  to  me. 

*  *    * 

HE'D  PICKED  up  gold. 
WITH  EVERY  step. 

WHILE*  I  * 

*  »    » 

HAD  WANDERED  on  my  way. 

O'ER  ROUGHER  road. 

WITH  HILLS  to  climb. 

AND  LITTLE  gold. 

AND  STILL.* 

I  KNEW.  * 

FROM  WHAT  he  said. 

THAT  ON  the  way. 

I'D  LAUGHED  the  most. 

AND  FINALLY. 

WE  REACHED  the  place. 

WHERE  NOW  he  lives. 

AND  PAST  a  hill. 


THE  SETTING  sun. 
HAD  CHANGED  to  gold. 
AND  TURNING  leaves. 
TOOK  GOLDEN  glow. 
AND  THOUGH  I  looked. 
HE  SAW  them  not. 
AND  TOOK  me  in. 

AND  THEN  we  dined. 

*  *    * 

AND  AFTERWARD. 

*  *    » 

HE  TOLD  me  troubles. 

*  *    # 

HE  HAD  had. 
WITH  MANY  men. 

*         IP         w 

WHO  WORKED  for  him. 

AND  LATER. 

»    *    * 

WE  BOTH  went  to  bed. 
AND  IN  the  morning. 

I  GOT  up.  * 

*  *    * 

AND  WANDERED  out 
AND  FOUND  a  man. 

IN  OVERALLS. 

*  *    »  . 

AND  GREETED  him. 

*  •»    » 

AND  HE  spoke  back. 
AND  WE  ^were  friends. 

AND  SOO*N.* 

*  *    * 

I  HAD  him  telling  me. 
ABOUT  HIS  kids. 
AND  HOW  they  stood. 
IN  PUBLIC  s*chool. 
AND  HOW  they  helped. 
AROUND  THE  house. 
AND  HE. 

WAS  SUCH  a  happy  man. 
THAT  I  felt  good. 

AND  WENT*with  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  TALKED  with  him. 

THE  WHILE. 

*  »    * 

HE  POLISHED  up  the  car. 
THAT  I'D  come  in. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IT  WAS  i  o'clock. 

*  #  * 

AND  I  was  going  to  lunch. 

*  *    # 

AND  I  went  out. 

*  *    # 

ONTO  TIMES  Square. 

LOOKING  FOR  one  man. 

*  *     * 

IN  ALL  the  thousands. 

THAT  I  might  know. 

*  *     * 

AND  I  didn't  find  him. 

•*         #         # 

AND  I  walked  up  the  street. 

*  *     * 

ALL  ALONE. 
TO  KEEN^S  chop  house. 
AND  SNEAKED  in. 
TO  AVOID  the  boy. 
THAT  CHECKS  the  hats. 

*  *         # 

AND  SAT^down. 

AND  LOOKED  around. 

AND  SAW  a  man. 

*  #     * 

AT  ANOTHER  table. 

*  *•        * 

THAT  I  knew. 

I  COULDN'T  remember. 

*  *     * 

WHERE  TD  ^met  him. 

BUT  I  had. 

*  *    * 

I  WAS  sure  of  that. 

*  *     * 

AND  HE  looked  up. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  spoke  to  him. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  smiled  back. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  knew  the  smile. 

*  *    # 

AND  I  went  over. 

*  *     * 

AND  SHOOK  hands  with  him. 

AND  HE  said*. 

"WON'T  YOU  sit  down?" 

AND  I  did! 

*  *    * 

AND  I  could  see. 

*  *    * 

THAT  HE^  wasn't  quite  sure. 
WHERE  WET>  met. 

AND  WE  stalled  along. 

*  *    * 


ABOUT^THE  weather. 
TILL  THE  waiter  came. 
AND  THEN  he  asked  me. 
IF  I'D  have  some  lunch. 

#        *         # 

AND  I  was  polite. 

*  *    * 

AND  HESITATED. 

AND  ACCEPTED. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  wanted  to  ask  him. 

WHO  HE  was. 

*  #    * 

BUT  I'D  been  so  cordial. 

*  *    * 

AND  GLAD  to  see  him. 

*  *    * 

I  DIDNT  dare. 

AND  I  didn't  dare  tell  him. 

WHO  I  was. 

*  *    * 

BECAUSE^HE  was  trying. 
TO  MAKE^  me  believe. 

THAT  HE  knew. 

*  *    » 

AND  WE  talked  about  everything. 
EXCEPT  OURSELVES. 

AND  FINISHED  our  lunch. 

*  *    # 

AND  WALKED  down  to  Broadway. 

AND  SAID  goodby. 

AND  I  hope  I'll  see  you  again. 

AND  THAT  same  night. 

I  TOOK  my  wife. 

TO  THE  Gaiety  Theatre. 

TO  SEE  "Turn  to  the  Right." 

*  #    * 

AND  WHEN  William  E.  Meehan. 

*  *     * 

CAME  OUT  on  the  stage. 

I  FELL  on  my  face. 

•'*'•* 

FOR  HE  was^the  fellow. 

THAT  BOUGHT  my  lunch. 

*  *    # 

AND  I'D  never  seen  him. 

*         #         * 

EXCEPT  ON  the  stage. 

AND  I  owe  him  a  lunch. 

*  *     * 

IF  HE'LL  call  me  up. 

T  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


JOHN  PURROY  Mitchel. 
MAYOR.  ^ 
MY  DEAR  John. 
I'M  THE  little  fellow. 

THAT  HELD  your  hat. 

*  *    » 

OUT  IN  San  Francisco. 

»    *    * 

WHEN^YOU^made  a  speech. 

OR  WHATEVER  it  was. 

*  *    * 

YOU  DID. 

»    *    » 

AT  THE  Exposition. 

*  *    * 

WHEN  #YOU^  talked. 
AND  YESTERDAY. 

I  WENT  Jut* 

*  *    * 

TO  BRONX  Park. 

*  *    * 

TO  SEE  the  animals. 
AND  ON  all  die  trees. 
THERE^ARE^  Black  Hand  letters. 

SIGNED  BY  you. 

*  *    » 

ABOUT  PEANUTS. 

*  #    * 

AND  FEEDING  the  animals. 

*  *    * 

AND  LITTERING  up  the  grounds. 
AND  BEING^  arrested. 
AND  EVERYTHING. 
AND  THAT'S  why. 

I'M  WRITING  to  you. 

*  *    * 

ABOUT  A  monkey. 

IN  THE  first*  cage. 

*  *    * 

ON  THE  right-hand  side. 

IN  THE  monkey  house. 

*  *    * 

AS  YOU  go  in. 

*  *    * 

FROM  SEEING  the  elephants. 

YOU'LL  KNOW  it. 

*  *    * 

AS  SOON  as  you  see  it. 

IT  LOOKS  sad. 

*  *    * 

LIKE  AN  Episcopal  minister. 

WHEN*HE'S*  working. 

*  *    * 


AND  IT'S  jn  a  cage. 

WITH  FOUR  other  monkeys. 

IT'S  THE  Httlest. 

*  *    * 

AND  YESTERDAY. 

*  *    * 

WHEN  Ji  was  there. 
THE  MONKEY'S  butler. 

PUT  SOME  bananas. 

*  *    * 

AND  BOILED  potatoes. 

IN  THE  c*age. 

*  *  °  » 

AND  WENT  on. 

*  *    » 

AND  OUR^  little  monkey. 

CAME  DOWN. 

*  *    » 

TO  GET  a  ^banana. 

AND  GOT  it. 

*  »    » 

AND  ONE^  of  the  big  monkeys. 

WENT  AFTER  him. 

*  *    » 

AND  CHASED  him  in  a  corner. 

AND  TOOK  it  away. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE^  little  monkey. 
WENT  UP  on  a  shelf. 
AND  CRIED.* 
LIKE  MY^  little  brother. 

USED  TO  cry. 

*  *    * 

WHEN^I'D  take  his  apple. 

AND  ALL  he  had. 

*  »    » 

FOR  HlS^whole  lunch. 
WAS  A#  little  potato. 
AND  I  ask^you,  John. 

IF  YOU  can  fix  it. 

*  *    * 

SO  I  won't  be  arrested. 

*  #    * 

IF  I  go  out. 

*  *    * 

AND  SLIP  the  little  monkey. 

A  NICKEL.  * 

»    »    » 

FOR  A  Couple  of  bananas. 
OF  ITS  own. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IF  YOU  are  interested. 

YOU  PROBABLY  noted. 

*  *    * 

THAT  YESTERDAY  morning. 

#         *         * 

THERE  WAS  nothing  in  the  pa- 

Per-     .    .    * 

FROM  ME. 

*  *    * 

AND  I'M  worried. 

BECAUSE  I  wrote  a  piece. 

*  *     * 

IN  BOSTON.^ 

AND  SENT  it  by  messenger. 
TO  THE  ^telegraph. 
AND  I  know  jit  was  good. 

BECAUSE  I  saw  the  messenger. 

*  *     * 

READING  IT. 

*  #    * 

AND  LAUGHING. 

*  *     * 

AND  I  will  say. 

*  *     * 

JUST  IN  passing. 

THAT  BOSTON  messengers. 

ARE  INTELLIGENT. 

OF  COURSED  they  have  to  be. 

TO  ALL  wear  glasses. 

*  *     * 

AS  THEY^do. 
BUT,  ANYWAY. 

I'M  WORRIED. 

*  #    * 

AND  I'VE  been  that  way. 

*  #     * 

SINCE  YESTERDAY  morning. 
WHEN  I  goroff  the  train. 

FROM  BOSTON. 

*  *     * 

AND  BOUGHT  an  American. 

*  *    * 

AND  FOUND. 

*  *     * 

I  WASN'T  in  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  reason  I'm  worried. 

*  *    * 

IS  THIS. 

*  *    * 

WHEN  I  was  in  Boston. 

*  #     * 

FOR  THE  first  game. 

*  *     * 

I  BORROWED  twenty  dollars. 

*  *    * 

FROM  DAMON  Runyon. 

*  *     * 

THE  SPORTING  writer. 


WHO  WAS  in  Boston. 

ASSISTING  ME. 

TO  COVER  the  games. 

AND  ON  Wednesday. 

*  *     * 

I  MADE  out  an  expense  account. 

*  *     * 

AND  ONE  of  the  items. 

*         #         # 

READ  LIKE^this: 

"BORROWED     FROM     Damon 

Runyon— $20." 

AND  FRIDAY  morning. 
I  FOUND  out. 
THAT  DAMON. 
HAD  TURNED  in. 

AN  EXPENSE  account. 

*  #     * 

AND  ONE  of  the  items. 

*  *    * 

ON  HIS. 

*  *    * 

READ  LIKE  this: 

*  *    * 

"LOANED  K.  C.  B.— $20." 

*  *    * 

AND  IF  the  accounts. 

ARE  BOTH  O.  K'd. 

*  »    * 

WE'LL  GET  $40. 

*  *    * 

AND  ALREADY. 

*  *    * 

I'VE  HAD  $20. 

«    *    * 

AND  THAT'LL  make  sixty. 
ALTOGETHER. 

AND  I  try  to  figure  it  out. 

*  »     * 

AND  I  can't. 

*  *     * 

I  BECOME  confused. 

#  *         # 

AND  IT  looks  to  me. 
AS  THOUGH. 

#  #        * 

THERE'S  SOMETHING  crooked. 

*  *    * 

AND  I'M  afraid. 

THEY'VE  ^DISCOVERED  it. 

AT  THE  office. 

#  #         * 

AND  I'M  canned. 

AND  THAT'S  why. 

*  *    * 

I  WASN'T  in  the  paper. 

TTHANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


IT  WAS  in  the  storm. 

ON  FRIDAY! 

*  #      * 

AT  LONG  Beach. 
AND  I'D  gone  there. 

*  *         * 

BECAUSE  IT  was  hot. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  was  in  the  surf. 
HOLDING  A  rope. 
AND  THERE  was  a  man. 
RIGHT^NEXT  to  me. 

AND  A  wave  hit  me. 

*  *    # 

AND  I  floundered. 

AND  KICKED  him. 

*  *    * 

IN  THE  stomach. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  sort  of  choked. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  apologized. 

*  #    « 

AND  HE  said  it  was  all  right. 
HE  HADN'T^et  yet. 
OR  SOMETHING. 
I  COULDN'T  hear  it. 

BECAUSE  JUST  then. 

*  *    * 

THERE  WAS  another  wave. 

*  #    * 

AND  WE  went  down. 

•*         *         * 

AND  CAME^up. 

AND  STARTED  talking  again. 

AND  HUNG  around. 

*  *    * 

FOR  HALF  an  hour. 

*  *    * 

AND  GOT^to^be  friends. 
AND  HE  said. 

*         •**•         # 

HE'D  HAVE^to  go  now. 

AND  I  said. 

»    *    * 

I  THOUGHT  I'd  had  enough. 

AND  WE  came  put 

*  #    * 

AND  ON  the  way. 

TO  THE  dressing  rooms. 

*  *  .  *  « 

I  SAID. 

*  *    * 

"I'LL  WAIT  for  you. 

*  *    * 


"AFTER  I'M#  dressed. 
"AND  WEJLL  go  upstairs. 
"AND  HAVE  a  little  something.'4 

AND  I  was  lonesome. 

*  *     * 

AND  DIDN'T  want  to  miss  him. 

*  #    * 

AND  HURRIED. 

*  *    * 

AND  GOT  dressed. 

»    »    * 

AND  WAITED. 

AND  IN  a  little  while. 

*  *    » 

HE  CAME  out. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  nearly  fell  over. 

*  *    * 

HE  WAS  a  minister. 

IN  CLERICAL  garb. 

*  «    * 

AND  I  pretended. 

I  WASN'T  surprised. 

*  *    * 

AND  TRIED  to  think. 

»    *    » 

IF  I'D  said  anything. 

*  *    « 

I  SHOULDN'T  have  said. 

AND  COULDN'T. 

*  *    * 

AND  WE  went  upstairs. 

AND  I  said.   * 

*  #    » 

"I  WASJust  going  in. 

"TO  HAVE  some  toast. 

*  *    * 

"AND  SOME  tea." 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  thanked  me. 

AND  WE  went  in. 

*  *    * 

TO  A  grill  room. 

AND  SAT  down. 

*  #    * 

AND  ATE#  toast. 

AND  DRANK  tea. 

*  *    * 

FOR  HALF  an  hour. 
I  THINK  administers. 
OUGHT  TOJbe  tattooed. 

OR  SOMETHING. 

*  *    * 

SO  YOU'LL  know  them. 

»    *    * 

WHEN  THEY'RE  in  the  water. 
I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


ONE  OF  the  office  boys. 

*  *    » 

INFORMED  ME. 
"THERE  IS  a  gentleman. 
"WANTS  T0#  see  you." 

AND  I  told  him. 

*  *    * 

TO  SHOW  him  in. 

AND  HE  did. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  didn't  know  him. 

*  *     * 

AND  HE  knew  it. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAID: 

*  *    * 

"YOU  DON'T  know  me." 

*  *    * 

AND  I  said:  ^ 

"I  THINK  I  do. 

*  *    * 

"BUT  MY  memory. 

*  *     * 

"FOR  NAMES. 

"IS  VERY  bad." 

*  *    * 

AND  THEN  he  smiled. 

LIKE  AN  idiot. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAID: 

"CAN'T  YOU  guess?" 

*  *    « 

AND  I  said:  ^ 

"LISTEN  FELLOW. 

*  *    * 

"THERE  ARE  five  million  people. 

*  *    * 

"IN  NEW  York. 

*  *    * 

"AND  IF  you've  any  idea. 
"THATJ'M  going  to  try. 

"GUESSING  THEM  all. 

*  *    * 

"TILL  I  get  to  you. 

"YOU'RE  CRAZY." 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  kept  on  smiling. 

*  *    * 

AND  SAID: 

"AND  YOU'VE  no  idea. 

*  *    * 

"WHO  I  am?^' 
AND  I  looked. 

RIGHT  INTO  his  glasses. 

*  *    * 

THEY  WERE  thick  glasses. 

*  *    * 

AND  I  couldn't  see  his  eyes. 


AND  SAID:  ^ 

"WILL  ^YOU#  kindly  tell  me. 

"IF  YOU  came  up  here. 

*  *    # 

"TO  SEE  me. 

*  *    * 

"OR  JUST#  to  find  out. 

"WHO  YO*U*are?" 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  laughed. 

AND  THEN  he  told  me. 

*  *    * 

HE  WAS  little  Willie  Ramsay. 

*  *    * 

FROM  ORILLIA. 

*  •    * 

AND  I  hadn't^  seen  him. 

IN  THIRTY  *years. 

AND  HIS  freckles  were  gone. 

AND  HIS  face  was  clean. 

*  *    * 

AND  HE  wasn't  sunburned. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  butternut  stain. 

*  *    * 

WAS  GONE  from  his  hands. 

*  *    * 

AND  HlS^feet  weren't  bare. 

AS  THEY  used  to  be. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHAT  there  was  left. 

*  *    * 

OF  HIS  bushy  black  hair. 
WAS  TINGED  with  gray. 
AND  I^felt  in  his  pockets. 
AND  LAUGHED. 

WHEN  *I  found. 

*  *    * 

THEY  V/ERE  empty  of  cookies. 

THAT  WE  used  to  eat. 

*  *    * 

ON  A  common  bench. 

*  *    * 

IN  A  small  town  school. 

AND  THE*  little  rat. 

HE  SAID.* 

THAT  WHEN  we  had  our  fight. 

IN  THE  church  shed. 

*  *    * 

HE  LICKED^me. 
AND  HE  never  did. 

SIDNEY  ELLIOTT. 

*  *    * 

HE  PARTED  us. 

*  *    * 

WHEN  I  was  on  top. 

I  THANK  you. 


Ye  Towne  Gossip 


I'VE  GOT  a  friend. 

»        *        * 

OVER  IN  Brooklyn. 

*  *    * 

AND  WHENhe  read  in  the  paper. 
THAT  1^  was  sick. 
HE  TELEPHONED. 
FOR  A  nickel 

AND  WAS  sorry. 

*  *    * 

AND  COULD  he  come  over. 

*  *    « 

AND  HE  could. 
AND  DIDV 

AND  BROUGHT  a  lot  of  flowers. 

*  *    * 

AND  A^basket  of  fruit. 

AND  SAT  down. 

*  *    * 

AND  ATE  the  fruit. 

*  »    * 

AND  WAS  sorry. 

I  WAS  sick. 

*  *    * 

AND  I'D  always  have  trouble. 

WITH  MY  tonsils. 

*  »    » 

AND  IT  was  the  second  time. 
«    *    * 

IN  A  month. 

THAT  HE*nTadeacall. 

*  »    * 

ON  A  sick  friend. 

*  »    » 

AND  THE  last  time. 

*  »    * 

IT  WAS  so  sad. 
AND  THE^sick  man. 

HAD  SUCH  a  nice  wife. 

*  *    » 

AND  THEY  were  so  happy. 
AND  IT  was  ^all  so  sudden. 

AND  AFTERWARD. 

*  #    * 

IT  WAS  discovered. 

HE'D  LEFT  no  will. 

*  *    * 

AND  THE  poor  wife. 

HE  FELT  so  sorry  for  her. 

*  *    * 

IT  WAS  an  awful  mess. 

«    *    « 

AND  IT  was^a  shame. 
FOR  ANY*  man. 


TO  BEjcareless. 

YOU  NEVER  can  tell. 

*  *    * 

AND  DIDJ  like  flowers. 

AND  I  *did* 

«    *    * 

AND  HE  was  so  glad. 
HE  ALWAYS  bought  his. 

AT  THE  little  stand. 

*  *    # 

AT  THE  Hoyt  street  subway. 
HE  WAS  such  a  nice  man. 

AND  SO  reasonable. 

*  *    * 

AND  ONLY  a  month  ago. 
HE'D  BOUGHT  a  big  wreath. 
OF  WHITE  carnations. 

WITH  "REST  in  Peace." 

*  *    * 

IN  VIOLETS. 

*  *    * 

ACROSS  THE  front. 

*  *    * 

AND  ALL  the  man  charged. 

WAS  SEVEN  dollars. 

*  *    * 

AND  IT  was  such  a  nice  wreath. 
AND  I  said:  'Ves. 

"IF  YOU'LL  "excuse  me. 

*  *    » 

"I  HAVE  to  gargle." 

AND  WENT  jnto  the  bathroom. 

AND  GARGLED. 

AND  WHEN^  I  came  back. 

MY  WIFE^was  crying. 

HE'D  BEEN  telling  her  something. 

ABOUT  A# man. 

WHO  HAD  tonsilitis. 

AND  GOT^pojsoned  or  something. 

AND  DIED.  * 

*  *    * 

AND  I  went  right  back. 

INTO  THE  bathroom. 

*  *    # 

AND  GARGLED. 
TILL  HE  left. 

I  THANK  you. 


LIBRARY  USE 

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